When I was a teenager living in Amsterdam, I was very depressed. I know all teenagers are generally depressed and I was probably not as special or lonely as I thought, but it is important to what I am about to tell you, so bear with me. Anyways, I was very depressed and thought it would be better if I just didn't exist at all. I wasn't quite brave (or unhappy, maybe) enough to commit suicide, but I spent a lot of time thinking up ways to die without having to do it myself. When I moved to Germany, I became a little bit happier, or rather, I got better at hiding my unhappiness from myself.
After living in England for a few years, I finally admitted to myself how unhappy I really was and I went into counselling, which helped a lot. I finished counselling last summer, and I am starting it again on Friday. Now, I want everyone to know that I am nowhere near as unhappy as I was before the last time I had counselling, and I am better now at calming myself down and looking at things rationally. I do, however, have some issues I still need to sort out and the most important one is how little I like myself.
I feel lonely and abandoned, and wish I could do more about these feelings myself, but I have tried and failed (hurting someone I love in the process), and I am fed up. I am fed up with feeling like I am a freak who deserves no love or happiness, and I am fed up with pretending to be happy and strong. I am also fed up with lying to my family and friends, and I am most certainly fed up with being me.
So there you have it. I am unhappy but I am taking action. I do not want to bug any of you with my problems, which is why I haven't been talking about them, and I am sorry if that upsets any of you. I was going to sort this out on my own but I can't, so I am sorting it out together with my GP and a counsellor I have yet to meet.
Please think of me Friday, and please don't be angry with me for keeping this from you; it was hard enough to admit it to myself.
I love you all, and I will get through this.
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Oh darling. Of course I will be thinking of you on Friday. You are so brave for doing this and even for posting this. You know I am here for you just as you have been there for me. Solidarity all the way. Also, you probably know this already, but dont think that because you've had counselling before doesnt mean its a bad thing that you need it again. Its a traumatic thing moving to a new place and starting a whole new course. And even if you think at times that it is too hard and youre not coping, I am so proud of you cause i could not have done it (hence why im still at the same bnloody uni). I had (had being the operative word) a friend who went away to uni and was in a similar situation to you - wasnt in halls so had to go in a house in her first year, new city, clearly some issues with self-esteem and how she saw herself (although she hid it well when we were at school)- and she went totally off the rails, buggered up her degree, turned into a self-obsessed bitch, and despite our best efforts lost contact with everyone. I only wish she had had the courage like you to seek advice and guidance to help with her problems.
Very proud of you once again. And dont worry if you havent felt up to telling people how you've been feeling, sometimes you cant, and thats why a counsellor is so good. You can unload without having to worry about their feelings or response.
I hope things get better for you darling. You know i am always here for you and only a phonecall away. I wish you the best of luck with all this.
L
-x-
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