The Shower of Epiphanies

I am not having a very good day today. I had to be at work at 9 (I usually start at 10) because yesterday the computer system I do most of my work on was down. When I asked my Store Manager whether he knew what was wrong with it, he phoned another Store Manager and it turned out all Managers had got an email about the system being down because of maintenance work, but he hadn't read his so he hadn't told me about it...
So I had to go home without having actually done the most important bit of my job, and today I had to do two days' work in one. It then turned out Saturday's sales figures hadn't got through to the system yet, so I had to leave some work (including printing out a 70 page report) for the woman who is in on Monday. I wasn't too upset by this, because I had a nice lunch at work chatting to some of the guys, but it is quite annoying that I was at work for 8 hours this weekend without having really finished anything...
I had to walk home through the rain, and for some reason the buttons at the traffic lights did not work so I had to wait for all the cars to pass (took about 5 minutes) and dodge some trucks, which was not fun.
When I got home I was going to have a shower, but while I was checking my email, my father phoned and we talked for about 15 minutes, after which I took a shower. And during the shower (I washed my hair three times, so it was a long shower) I had a few epiphanies, two of which I will discuss here.
I have never really written anything very personal about what has happened to me in this blog, because I always feel a bit weird putting all of it on the internet. But in the Shower of Epiphanies I realised that the 4 or 5 people who read this blog already know most of it anyways, so I am going to write exactly how I feel and what I am thinking about.
During the 15 minutes I was on the phone with my father, he managed to talk about exams (to ask how they went), my essays, my summer job, the lecturer's strike, the effects it may have on my admission to Reading, my younger brother's end of year exams, his work, and my older brother's 'situation'.
My brother and his then girlfriend had a son in February. It was an unplanned pregnancy and they broke up a few months ago, so my family's sole topic of discussion lately is my brother's 'situation'. When I was in Holland in April, I talked to most of my family, and they all had a different opinion and all wanted to talk about it. Well, my father's side of the family was a bit more vocal about it than my mother's side, or maybe they (my mother's family, who I celebrated my birthday with) just didn't want to ruin my birthday, I don't really know. But when I talked to my father's parents almost all we talked about for the whole afternoon was my brother and his ex and her mother and how everyone was either being a bit stupid, evil or actually the spawn of Satan (not that my grandparents believe in God).
And ever since about September last year, whenever I talk to my father, the conversation ends with a long discussion of my brother and what he should and shouldn't do and what my father thinks of him. Now, don't get me wrong, I care about my brother and wish we were closer so I could talk to him about all this, but we aren't and to be honest I don't think he needs even more people with a constant need to tell him their opinion of him. So, I have decided to let it all take its course, and if and when I get to see my nephew I will just love him and be there for him and my brother if they need me. This decision and the fact that I talk to my brother maybe once or twice a year makes the conversations with my dad quite one-sided, because he just talks and talks and I sit there and say 'hmhm' or 'yes' or 'I don't really know, I never talk to him'.
However, I have lately become quite annoyed with the fact that all my father/family talks to me about is my University work and my brother's 'situation'. I feel a bit like an Agony Aunt without the ability to give advice, and this leads me to feel quite detached from my family. They don't know what my life is like, and I only hear about what everyone thinks of my brother. I wish we could just let everyone lead their lives and move on with our own, which leads me to my next epiphany.
I was also thinking in the shower that what I would really like is to have a boyfriend so he can cuddle me and tell me everything will be okay (and make me a lovely dinner and find my socks for me. Seriously, I have no idea where they have all gone), but I don't, so I will have to do it myself (the dinner making, the cuddling might proof difficult).
Lately I have been thinking a lot about how much I would like there to be someone special in my life, which at the same time is really annoying me. And I realised (still in the shower, I told you it was a long one) that the reason I get annoyed with myself for wanting a boyfriend is because I want to be able to live my life on my own. This, I realised, is what being a grown-up is all about: not about staying up as late as you want and paying bills, but the ability to live with yourself and no one else. I don't really like being alone; I talk a lot and don't like it when people have to go, because then I don't have anyone to talk to (I used to talk to the things in my room but don't anymore, which I've decided to see as a good thing).
So after all the counselling I have gone through, which has really helped me and made me believe in myself a lot more, I am still not really happy with being on my own, and that really bugs me. I know that I am still going through a process and probably will for most of my life, but I always want things to be done right now, and it's just not gonna happen...
But at least my hair is clean.