A Bit Of Depp And Brando

Just finished watching 'Don Juan DeMarco'. Sigh. Love it so much.

Confidence Boost

Last night I went over to The Catwoman's place to pick up my notebook and a dvd (she's basically my free personal dvd rental service), but instead came with her and her housemate Topshop Girl to a gig and then to the After Dark Club. I got a little bit drunk but not too badly, and I had a great time.
The gig was at a local Arts Centre. It was a tiny room but the bands were pretty good and it was fun to look at their outfits. First on (except I think you are supposed to say it the other way around because the people that headline are officially first on except they play latest in the evening. I don't know, it confuses me, so I'm gonna go in chronological order) was a guy called Ben who did some singing/guitaring which was okay. I couldn't find the other half-pair of my nice flat shoes so I was wearing high heels, and standing in those for two hours is not a lot of fun, but the music took my mind off it most of the time.
Second was a 3-man band with a pretty lead man, an odd synth-man and a man with the most amazing mullet on what I presume was bass guitar. (Do you like how professional I sound?) They did some fun songs, one of them was called 'Snakes in the Mirror' I think, but I can't remember what the band was called.
Last (but most important, so technically first I think. Whateva.) was a 5-man band (I love how it grew by two so consistently) that was really good and had some pretty men (I can't remember what they were called, either, sorry), and obviously loved performing. They had a lot of fans in the audience and although we felt sort of out of place among all the people who all knew each other, we had a great time.
After the gig, we went to the After Dark Club, whose bouncer looked at me (well, my breasts, mainly) and told me I had a lovely body (I'm refraining from writing something sarcastic here). We had a really good time in the club, Topshop Girl (who is gorgeous) having found a guy to snog straightaway, and The Catwoman and me dancing the night away together, together with Ben (who had joined us in the club) and his friends.
When we went back to the dance floor from getting some water at the bar (which was in a different room), a guy stopped me and had a little chat with me. As I wasn't really looking for a guy but just wanted to have some fun with my friends (by the way, this signals quite a big breakthrough in my mental well-being) I told him I had to go find my friends (who had kept walking) and as I walked away he said: 'By the way, you are very pretty!' It made me smile a big silly grin, because even though he was a drunk man who I will never see again and I was very sweaty from dancing, it was nice to hear.
After we walked (me barefoot because my feet were hurting so much) home (part of the way accompanied by Ben, who seemed very interested in The Catwoman, and his friend) I couldn't possibly imagine walking the extra 5 minutes to my own home so I slept (extremely well) on The Catwoman's sofa.
All in all, it makes me feel really good to have had such a nice night out with my friends, and it's even better to know that while I was out I didn't really care about attracting a guy, and to me that feels like a good change in my life - maybe I'll get there one day... :)

Scaredy Cat

I can't sleep. It's a quarter past 2 and I can't sleep. I have to get up at 8 and I can't sleep. I have counselling, a meeting with my course convenor (hopefully, I haven't actually made an appointment but have been told she'll be in), lunch with The Catwoman and a film in the evening I really want to see, and I can't sleep.

The plan as I have been able to figure it out is this:
- finish the next 5 weeks of classes
- go stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks
- find a job in or around Reading
- finish my MA while also doing a job, giving me (hopefully) a career start, some money, and a shot at better mental health

I don't think I can ever beat depression completely, but having a nice life should at least give me a fighting chance, right?

It just seems like such a big decision right now and I can't help but worry. I need sleep!

Goodnight.

Today Is The Day I Found Out That When I Cry Lots Of Snot Comes Out Of My Nose

I talked to both my mother and my father today and feel much better about my life. Still not sure what will happen, but at least having their suppport (expressed in highly different ways) is good and makes me feel better. Now I should go shower and tidy my room.

Depression Diva

It is half past five in the morning and I am awake. Or rather, I can't fall back asleep. I woke up to go to the toilet and can't fall back asleep because all of a sudden I realised how I have let my depression take over from me. My room is a complete mess, I haven't been talking to people properly or at all, and I just don't care about anything anymore. I don't feel particularly down, or, at least, not more down than I have for the last few months, but I think I have just realised how my depression is making life impossible for me. I want out. Not of life, but of the life I am leading right now. I can't be alone this much, away from everyone I care about, on my own for most of the time.
I have had the same solution offered by both my parents (who, by the way, I haven't talked to in ages, because apparently the way to deal with loneliness is enforce more on myself): to come home and 'get better' without the stress of my MA. First of all, I think that 'getting better' as such should be based on a permanent change in my life (such as a full time job, and being closer to my friends, and preferably my family), a situation in which I know I can be happy on my own, but see enough people on a structured day-to-day basis that I don't go insane. Secondly, living with my parents, no matter how much I love them and enjoy spending time with them, would drive me insane. I know I can be my own boss, I do not want to go back to being under my parents' rule, I don't particularly like feeling like a guest in what is supposed to be my home (with either parent) and really, I need to be able to solve my problems without knowing the situation I feel better in will change soon.
Right now, I think that might be my problem: my insecurity. About the future mainly, but also about myself, what my friends and family think of me, and whether I will ever be able to find that one person to make me truly happy. (In the light of being completely honest, I don't think I am lesbian, but I might as well keep all my options open; who knows, and my perfect match is most likely completely different from what I imagine anyways.)
So, having slightly lost the thread of what I was going to say, I need to make sure I say this: I need help. Big time. I have no idea what to do. Doing this MA isn't making me happy although I love the material, staying with either parents won't make me happy (sorry mama), and I need a long-term solution to my problems. I feel like a failure, and I don't see a way out but to be miserable until September and that's not the answer.
I know I need to make a choice about my life myself, but I have no idea what the choices are. I don't know where to go and what to do and I need your help. Do I stay and finish the MA, which has good material and teaching but few hours and will probably drive me insane? Do I go to either of my parents to 'get better', which would solve the problem of loneliness but would also drive me insane? Do I move to be closer to at least one of my close friends and find a job there? Do I go back to Holland and find a job there, which would mean missing all my friends in the UK and having to find a sort-of comfortable space in society all over again?
All I am asking for is help. I don't want you guys to lead my life for me, but please help me lead mine. I am out of ideas.

Update

Today I woke up at 12. I don't know what is happening, but I seem to be sleeping for ridiculously long hours lately - it could be part of the depression, could just be weirdness.
Tonight I am going to a free showing of a British film set in and about... Coventry! I am well excited about it, although when I said I would go to any film set in Cov (I have to see how they pull it off!) the guy asked if I was from Cov and when I explained he said 'commiserations'. Pah.
Today I also signed up for a free trial of the Amazon dvd rental scheme because we need to watch Lilo and Stitch for next week and it costs at least £8 pounds to buy, which is just plain SILLY. I might keep it going if I want to seeing as it is only £6 a month for 3 dvds, but I really shouldn't because I have no money whatsoever.
And finally, I was going to post a link that shows you guys I'm in Ravenclaw but it won't work so you'll just have to take my word for it! Wench, we're Hogwarts sisters!

Spring Fever

I realise I haven't been blogging much lately, which is due to two things, namely my depression and my cold. I went to the doctor today to see if it was hay fever but she doesn't think it is, so hopefully I should be feeling better soon (right now I feel in dire need of tea and nice hot soup, ooo that's just given me a good idea for dinner!).
Nothing much is happening at the moment except for the fact that my depression is taking over a bit, which means I have to go out and do stuff so I don't go crazy. Tomorrow I'm planning to go to the sports centre to sign up for a 'fun' class and into town to drop off some more CVs, as I've had no luck with the job search so far.
In other news, I have been watching The Mighty Boosh the last few days and am now officially addicted. Because of my cold I don't really have a lot of energy, and feel completely justified in watching shows all day long. I have finally been able to borrow the show of the Catwoman, and have been watching almost all of series two today, in a nice repeat of what I did yesterday. I don't know why, but it just doesn't get boring! I especially love the songs, 'We Love The Chosen One' being one of my favourites, as well as the Tundra song in the Tundra episode in the first series. Oh yes, and Noel Fielding is The Pretty.

If Only It Was That Easy

I am in the Special Collections part of the library, which is nowhere near the main library, but the view is pretty and the people nice, so I quite like working here. I have about 500 words of my 3000 word essay, so I don't feel inadequate at all.... Sigh. Hopefully I will get it done this week.
I was going to write some other things, but I can't remember... I have a sore throat, which is silly but I guess it's my own fault for sitting in the nice sunny, warm garden all day yesterday? Or something like that.
Feeling blah. My dad talked to me on msn and asked if I felt less lonely. No, not really, seeing as I haven't really seen or spoken to anyone since Friday. Sigh.
And all my dreams are really dull now, I bet the anti-deps are slowly making me sane, and it's just no fun anymore to sleep, because when I wake up I can't always remember whether something really happened or I dreamed it, because my dreams are so bloody realistic and boring!!

Birthday Number Four

I spent a great day in Brum with the Lovely Leni today. We did mainly shopping (music shop for LL, Primark for both of us, shoeshops for both of us, Accesorize for me) and eating (sushi and Cafe Nero), and we talked a lot (of course).
It was just like old times, except for the fact that we had to go home to different cities... Not good, but at least we have come out of the bad patch we were having and I feel like we are as strong as we were before. I miss her, and my other Cov friends, but I guess for now it is down to intense doses of good friends, rather than constant doses.
My anti-deps are making me less unhappy, but still no real happiness, unless I am spending time with people I like (like today). I am really hoping for a job to come up soon, for my sanity and my financial needs...

Vraag Niet Hoe Het Kan, Maar Profiteer Ervan!

Net's back up!

Hmmmm.....

So, I just realised something: when one does not have msn and no sound (I am in the library, and for some odd reason all my msn contacts are gone from my account), the internet really isn't all that interesting. I am feeling quite good about going home and reading my magazine (film magazines are so much more fun than I ever imagined!) and possibly getting a pizza for dinner (ignoring the brokeness). Also, I might do some actual work for my very real essay that I should really finish before the holiday is over.
Life is okay without the internet, but I do miss having a landline phone.

Still No Bloody Internet

Actually, I didn't try at home today but to save myself the frustration, I went straight onto campus to have a go on the computers here. I am not happy, but I have no money for my own internet so I'm afraid this might become a very sporadic type of blog for the next few months.
Today I went to see my doctor about my anti-depressants (I am staying at the same dosage), and cried when I told her I miss my mum. I know it's silly, but I didn't even know how bad I felt until I told her. I had a really good week last week, but it sucked having to say goodbye to my mother, and now with 'my' internet broken I can't even be in proper contact. Sigh.
And I need a job, because I will not be able to eat if I don't get one. I hope either shops I applied to that I actually want to work at get back to me, because I really really really want a job. I might have to go to the DIY shop-branch in Reading to see if they have any vacancies... Sigh.
All in all, I feel Sigh.

Just My Luck

I got another wireless internet to work, so yay for me!
I can't believe how nice the weather is being. Monday was a lovely day, today is the same, and yesterday it was cold and I got a throat ache from it! How very mean. I did have a lovely day, though, going through Oxford with a friend from my course. We had a lovely lunch, and dinner together with her husband who had come to Oxford for my birthday, too. All in all, they made my birthday a really nice day.
I bought some shoes yesterday for £10, and I had to spray them to protect them from the rain which I foolishly thought I could do next to my window, which means that now the entire house smells of the icky spray (this has been confirmed by my housemate who lives on the other side of the house, a floor up). Oops. But hopefully the smell will be gone by the time I go to sleep tonight.
I am feeling a bit lonely today, which is silly but I cannot help it. I am like a little child lately, I don't want to be alone for a single second... I was going to a pub quiz tonight, but The Catwoman's had to cancel so I will probably watch a dvd or read any of my masses of new books.

So, that was all the bad stuff. Now for the good stuff:
I am making lasagna tonight, yum yum.
Chiseled Man (he is someone who works at the cafe on campus where I spend a lot of time, and we have a little bit of a flirting thing going on) waved at me today and yelled across campus that he would see me after Easter. I walked on with a big grin on my face. I am a teenager at heart, really.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I know it was yesterday, but my internet isn't working, so I'm a day late! Thanks to all of you for the kind messages, I had a lovely day in Oxford, and tomorrow I'm having dinner with a group of friends, so all is good. I am on campus right now in the library, which always makes me feel uncomfortable, so you guys will have to wait for my net to work again (if it ever will...) to get a proper update!