Denial Is A River In Egypt

One morning, the Pretty Girl woke up feeling full of happiness and laughter. She jumped out of bed, put on her prettiest dress and nicest shoes, and decided to ignore the piles of work that made it hard for her to see the floor of her Dowdy Little Hut. The Pretty Girl opened the door of her Dowdy Little Hut and looked at the world outside. She saw a big green meadow filled with fragrant and colourful flowers, basking in the warmth of the sun. Among the flowers and grass rabbits and squirrels were hopping about, and the Pretty Girl could not contain herself. She jumped out of her Dowdy Little Hut, and found as soon as she left it, the Dowdy Little Hut disappeared. All she could see was the meadow, warm and sunny, all around her. She heard the faint noises of a magical tune seducing her unto dance and song, and she kicked of her shoes to follow it.
As the squirrels and rabbits played amongst the flowers, the Pretty Girl danced and sang through the meadow until all the sorrows of the Mundane World and the Dowdy Little Hut were distant memories, like the vague remembrance of something that has once happened to a best friend's aunt.

Word Of The Day

The word of the day today is:

wife-icidal

I read it in an article on fairy tales my tutor made me read, so it's a proper word!

The Brave Maiden And The Photocopier

Once upon a time not too long ago, in a place quite close by, a beautiful Brave Maiden went on a quest. She needed to pick up and photocopy an article for her Theory of Children's Literature class, so at nine o'clock in the morning, after a hearty breakfast, she set out on her journey. For a while everything was going very well and the Maiden was happy with her day. Then she got to the Kingdom of Literature and had to fight her way through thornbushes and brambles to get to the Fount of Knowledge. When she finally got there, she signed the sign-out paper and fought her way through the brambles once again to get to the Place of Duplication. When she got there, without proper knowledge of the proper procedure for approaching the Amazing Duplicator, she sought one of that gate keepers who was not very friendly to her and made her feel more lost than ever before.
But the Maiden did not despair or cry like other, less brave, maidens may have done; instead, she sought out a nicer-looking gate keeper. The Friendly Gate-Keeper looked at her, listened to her quest and said: 'Dear Brave Maiden, your quest will be difficult and perilous. Before you can go to the Amazing Duplicator, you will have to Pay Me to receive the Key of All Goodness. Once you have the Key of All Goodness, you must find the Door of All Goodness and open it with the Key, The door will then lead you to the Amazing Duplicator, but make sure you choose the right one because there are few Duplicators who will let you make double-sided Duplications. Choose well and you will be rewarded. Choose badly and you will be punished.' The Maiden paid the Friendly Gate-Keeper, received her key and went up the Mount of Knowledge, to find the Door of All Goodness. She gave him her Key, and he spoke: 'Brave Maiden, to achieve the goal of your quest you will have to go down the Mount of Knowledge, past the Friendly Gate-Keeper, and into the Area of Short-Lived Joy. When you get there, the Amazing Duplicator will help you.'
The Brave Maiden thanked the Door of All Goodness, but although she thought he had been helpful, he had not told her that the Amazing Duplicator and the Door of All Goodness were sworn enemies. So when the Brave Maiden came to the Amazing Duplicator, he rejected her fiercely: 'Go away you puny little girl!!! I will not obey that damn Door of All Rubbishness!!!' (The Amazing Duplicator, although good at Duplicating, wasn't very good at insults.)
The Brave Maiden almost thought her quest was thwarted by the Amazing Duplicator's unwillingness to help her, but then she remembered the Friendly Gate-Keeper. She went back to her friend and asked for help. The Friendly Gate-Keeper told her how to deal with the Amazing Duplicator and how he liked to be payed rather than form alliances with the Doors of Goodness. She then sounded her horn and in rode a Handsome Knight on his White Horse.
The Handsome Knight told the Maiden he could help her with the Amazing Duplicator because of his Magical Skills.
When they got to the Amazing Duplicator, the Brave Maiden inserted her coins into the slot and watched the Handsome Knight as he used his Magic to make the Duplicator do exactly what she wanted it to do. The Brave Maiden paid a lot of attention to the Handsome Knight's Magic. As the Handsome Knight rode away, the Brave Maiden realised he had not actually made the Duplicator do exactly what she wanted, so she imitated the Handsome Knight's Magic and found she could master the Amazing Duplicator quite well.
Of course, the Brave Maiden was punished for her smugness, when the Duplicator refused to Duplicate her last page. One of the Grumpy Gate-Keepers sounded her horn and out came the Old Wizard who made the Duplicator work again, although the Brave Maiden did have to Pay More Money to the Amazing Duplicator to get her last page.
After she had all her pages gathered together, the Brave Maiden brought back the original article to the Kingdom of Literature, in which she knew her way quite well now, and began her long journey home.

Dear Brave Maidens,
We can learn from this tale not to rely on Handsome Knights on White Horses. They may promise Beauty and Happiness, but do not be foiled by their charms! Be brave, observe the world around you and do not despair, and you will find happiness! Do not reject Handsome Knights altogether, but be careful not to become dependent on them.

I Am Insanely Happy

Early last week, I was walking around in Reading trying to find Baby Bio (I didn't find it and although I have it now I think my rose has sort of died), and I was feeling a bit strange. I'd been feeling a bit strange for a few days and all of a sudden it hit me: I was happy. Not that I have been miserable for the last 22 years, but last week I realised that for the first time in a long time, I was genuinely happy. Happy with myself, my life, my friends, and my relationship with my parents.
I was going to write something about it but didn't have a chance as I had classes and then went birthday shopping in Brum (not telling you how much I spent in Primark but it was a personal record) with Leni on Thursday, and then I spent the weekend in Cov. I stayed over at a friend's house for the weekend, but I also went and saw the Wench in her new (and lovely) room. The friend I stayed with is a guy I have known for little over two years. We used to work together on the Information Desk at the DIY store, and when he left for Hamburg last summer we stayed in contact through msn and became really good friends. This summer he came back to the UK and he's now in Cov doing the last year of his degree.
While we were talking on msn I slowly grew to fancy him, but I didn't think it was that serious because we only really became friends on msn, and I wasn't sure whether I was just feeling lonely or something else. When I saw him for a barbecue earlier this summer I realised he was the nice guy I thought he was from msn, but wasn't quite sure whether I really fancied him. So, on Thursday I was quite nervous to see what would happen, as I didn't want to mess up the awesome friendship we have.
A soon as I saw him on Thursday evening, however, I knew that all the feelings I had for him were real, and I sort of thought he felt the same about me, but I wasn't sure...
On Friday evening we went out (and on Saturday I realised why I do not drink alcohol, it gives me ridiculous stomach aches), and when we got home we started talking and, well, things happened (no, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter!! We just kissed!) and now Mr. G and I are happily coupled up. As the Wench can confirm, I have not been able to wipe the grin off my face all weekend, and I don't think it is going to leave for a while yet.

The Need For A Man: A Play In One Act

The time is half past 8 in the evening. In a reasonably small community kitchen of a university house stands a young woman with a frying pan in one hand, a partially eaten apple in the other. She puts the frying pan on the front left hob of the electric cooker (stage right), turns the hob to the highest setting and walks to the sink (stage left). She opens the cupboard above the sink and takes out a used, but nearly full, bottle of olive oil, opens it and pours some of the oil in the pan, after which she closes the bottle and puts it back in the cupboard. She takes a bite out of her apple and walks to the fridge (stage right, behind the cooker) out of which she takes something wrapped in aluminium foil. She unwraps the foil and puts a hamburger in the pan with oil, which has now heated up. Throughout all this the young woman keeps eating her apple, until it is finished. She throws away the foil and the apple core, and walks to the sink to wash her hands. She notices some crockery and cutlery that is standing next to the sink, checks that it is dry and proceeds to put the things in the cupboard above the sink, but leaves a yellow plate standing in the drying rack.
When she is done, the young woman takes the plate and puts it on the work surface (front of stage, so that when the young woman uses it she faces the audience). She takes out a cucumber and a sharp knife from the cupboard above the sink, cuts the cucumber in half on the plate, puts the rest back in the cupboard and peels and dices the cucumber halve. She realises something, walks to the electric cooker and turns over the hamburger. She returns to the work surface, then moves to the cupboard, takes out the rest of the cucumber and peels and dices it, until the entire cucumber is cut up on one half of her plate. She walks to the fridge and takes out two containers. She opens the plastic wrapping of one and takes out 5 cherry tomatoes on the vine. She washes them, cuts them into parts and places these on top of the cucumber. She then opens the other container and puts all the cold (but cooked) green beans in the container on the tomatoes and cucumber. She puts the empty green beans' container next to the sink, then puts the rest of the tomatoes, still in the container, back in the fridge. She takes out a small jar and puts it next to the plate. She remembers something, turns down the heat on the hamburger, then walks to the cupboard, takes out two slices of bread and puts them in the toaster (on top of the fridge).
She walks back to the work surface, picks up the jar and tries to open it. It will not open. She tries one more time, but the jar won't budge. She shrugs her shoulders, walks to the fridge and takes out a jar of mayonnaise, and takes the slices of bread, that are now done, from the toaster, then puts the bread on the plate and the jar of mayonnaise on the work surface. She walks to the cupboard and takes out a jar of mustard. She spreads mustard on one of the slices, then mayonnaise on the other. She puts back the mustard, then the mayonnaise, turns off the heat on the hamburger and puts it on one of the slices of bread. She then puts the other one on top of the hamburger, and walks off (stage right).
When the young woman comes back, she is carrying a paper towel and has a determined look on her face. She wraps the paper towel around the jar and tries to open it again. She fails. She tries again. The jar simply will not open. As she keeps on trying, removing the paper towel after three tries and trying a few more times with her bare hands, the young woman becomes more and more desperate. Slowly, tears begin to trickle down her face. She becomes more and more pathetic-looking, but is still determined to open the jar.
Finally, she realises she cannot open the jar and she breaks down. She throws the jar on the floor, where it breaks in a million dressing-covered pieces, and sinks down on the floor next to it. As she tries to scoop up the bits of glass in an effort to save her dressing, she realises what she is doing and breaks down in hysteric sobs. The young woman is now half sitting, half lying on the floor, crying and bleeding from the shards of glass stuck in her hands. Finally, she manages to sit up. She looks at her ruined jar of dressing and cries out (still sobbing, but trying to suppress it):

Where's my God-damn Prince Charming?

Lights fade until stage is completely black and silent.

[disclaimer: this is fiction, people! I am not having a crisis of any sort]

Very Important Post

Just so all of you know:


HAPPY BIRTHDAY LENI!!!!!


We'll have an awesome time tomorrow!

Today Is A Good Day

I got a haircut, and absolutely love my new hair!! When my hairdresser said 'fringe' i was quite worried, but it all looks fine and I'm really happy! Let's just hope I will not go so poor on the coming term that I canot keep up the appointments. I really hated my hair before I got this haircut, so I want to keep it up because I really like it now!
I went into town and the guy in the shop did something to my glasses which means they are now both clean and fit better. I do still need new glasses, but I guess I will have to make do with these for now... damn laptop. Although perhaps both the laptop repair and my glasses are covered by my differeing insurances, so let's hope for the best!
I also found this amazing Johnny Cash box set with lots of songs I don't have yet, and lots of pictures. It costs £50 so I haven't bought it, but just knowing it exists is nice... (and the guy in the shop was cute)
Also, I finally decided on a present for the Lovely Leni, I hope she'll like it!

Brick

Earlier this week, I went to see 'Brick'. This is the Film Theatre's description:

"True to its designation as Twin Peaks scripted by Raymond Chandler, Brick is and honest mystery, mounting a series of clues, twists and red herrings before hitting a mind-reeling climax. The characters are all from the ranks of an elaborate, school social scene. The excellent Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the high-school loner Brendon [sic], gets drawn into the disappearance and death of his ex-girlfriend. Certainly, this year's Donnie Darko. "

Here's my review:

Brick is a pretentious attempt at an original film, which fails miserably at trying to surprise or entertain. None of the characters, who are supposedly in school at least for part of the day, act or talk like high school pupils, and although Joseph Gordon-Levitt acts well, he seems more like a 45-year-old 'copper fallen from grace' than a confused and hurt high school kid. There are some good jokes about the fact that these people are supposed to be kids, but that's all there is to make the film more interesting. Or, no, sorry, I lie: there was a really muscly guy and J G-L does scruffy well. Nonetheless, I couldn't stop from letting my mind wander during the film, and this is where it wandered: 'If this Brendan guy turns out to be an undercover cop this would be like a really long, boring episode of 21 Jump Street'

So I guess it really depends on who you believe - Ken Branagh's crew or me. Mind you, I haven't seen Donnie Darko, so maybe we are saying the same thing...

All Praise The Geeks

Why, I hear you ask?
Because they fixed my laptop! And the only thing I had to give them in return was a shitload of money!
I am sorting out Skype as well so I can receive and make phone calls to normal phones, but it is taking some time for my credit card payments to get through, I don't know why. I am trusting the geeks and trying not to be worried.

Who Am I?

I simply had to steal this from the Wench:

Whooooo are you.. ooh ooh ooh ooh
Stolen from Livejournal:

1. YOUR SPY NAME (middle name and current street name):
Rosanna Redlands (personally, I think this is an awesome name, maybe I can change mine...)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grandfather/mother on your dad's side and your favourite candy):
I guess that would be... Cato Werther. I'd be mostly in artsy underground films.

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name and first three or four letters of your last name):
M to da M I E

4. YOUR GAMER TAG (favourite colour and favourite animal):
Blue Tiger

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and city you were born in):
Rosanna Amsterdam, Rosie to mates.

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of your pet's name):
Miesenbop (I think I would be an evil character)

7. JEDI NAME (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards):
annasor nessinueht (call me crazy, but I think that kinda works...)

8. PORN STAR NAME (first pet's name, the street you grew up on):
Goliath Mondriaan (I have to say, Wench, I think I beat you... but I did turn into a guy while doing it)

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favourite colour and the automobile your dad drives):
The Blue Nothing (I'm a very existential superhero)

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate):
Brendan Banana (I don't even know what to say to this. Brilliant)

My Laptop Is In The Hospital...

Friday night my computer stopped working. It is with a man right now who will hopefully fix it, but it does mean I won't be online so much. I also have to read all of 'Emile' before Wednesday afternoon, so there will be much less posting I am afraid.
Please all pray for my beautiful laptop.... (and my wallet, it's a good thing I didnt buy an mp3 player because this is going to cost me A LOT of money...)

What Does A Rose Eat?

I bought a Pot Rose today at ASDA's while I was there trying to find the Bramley apples for the pie thats in the oven right now. These are the instructions:

(Pot Rose) I am easy to care for.
Give me a cool, bright room away from direct sunlight.
Keep compost moist at all times
and feed every two weeks.

Apart from the difficulty of finding a bright room away from direct sunlight, there's one big problem in these instructions: what does a pot rose eat? I mean, seriously, because it already says I have to keep the compost moist, so what does it eat apart from water? HELP!!!
Easy to care for, my ass.

A Day Of Disappointments?

Today I decided to go to campus early to catch the quiet end of Fresher's Fair. Well, that did happen, but in a different way than I thought it would. There were about 4 stalls, and only one of them was about volunteering (the whole reason I went - it's not like I want to socialise or anything!). So I talked to the people at the stall, signed up for a mailing list and, with a pitying look on my face, made one round through the marquee and then left for the library.
In the library I managed to get my username and password, but was utterly confused by the printer system, which just seems way too complicated and unefficient to me. Then I signed up for a training session on Monday, and left again, feeling slightly more confused about the whole thing than I had felt before I entered the library.
I decided not to go to the Student Union's welcome, but to do my German aptitude test instead. I have taken the test home with me because I cannot hand in my application form until someone from my department has signed it even though I am doing the German course as a non-credit course, meaning it isn't part of my degree. But I have an MA meeting tomorrow morning at 10 so I will get it signed then and hope I get a place...
I walked home through the rain to find my room had... changed... There was a parcel on my chair, that had been moved to the far side of my room. I got really freaked out (because I know I locked my door before I went out) and knocked on my housemate's (the nice one) door, but she hadn't been in my room. She did tell me that the uni sometimes just goes into your room to sort out things, tho, and lo and behold, when I got to my room and looked more closely there was a new lock on my window! Still don't like the idea, though. It kinda makes me not feel very at home...
Then someone knocked on my door and it was the lady in charge of my house telling me off about last night. I should have only phoned security (which I know already because security told me) and not also the fire brigade. She then told me I could take away the net curtain if I didn't like it, and then left me to feel... well, sullied and unusual!
I opened the first envelope which I thought was my NUS card, but it turned out to be the 'poster' of a Johnny Cash/Elvis Presley concert I had bought online. Severe disappointment, as I was expecting a full-size poster and not an A4 print-out. I should get a refund for it, but still.. I'd rather have the poster.
Then I proceeded to open the Amazon parcel which I was sure would cheer me up as I'd ordered some Johnny Depp films Wednesday (although I ordered them from Play.com, which explains the confusion I felt when I saw it). Instead, when I opened it, I was disappointed again. It was a Johnny film, yes, but the wrong one!!! I was getting very tired and irate at this point, when I looked at the receipt to check how I'd ever made this mistake, I found the sweetest note from the Wench!!!
Thank you for making a day of small disappointments into a day in which I got a thoughtful present from a good friend!!!

I Like Firemen

In a nice example of fact is stranger than fiction, our fire alarm went off last night. Now, in order for most of you to understand this, I will have to give you some background information, so here goes.
It al started on Wednesday... I experienced one of the most horrible Fire Safety Trainings I have ever experienced. You might think I haven't had that many, but at work we used to have them, and fire drills, quite often, and they were nothing like what I had to sit through on Wednesday. Everyone living in Halls or University Accommodation has to attend a Fire Safety talk this week, which I think is a really good precaution of the University. I, of course, was expecting a dull hour of University security people talking at us and showing us some lame-ass video. I was right about the video: there was a very obviously fake 'real-life' story thing made by the drama society, which was good at explaining what to do in case of a fire (and what not to do), but had immensely crap special effects. At one bit a girl catches on fire in the video, but it was so obviously fake most of the people in the room snickered. Not at the fact she was catching fire, mind, but at the 'CGI'.
When the video was over a Fireman stepped up and this is where the real fun started. He talked about how all students are stupid and all fires are caused by our carelessness, and NEVER by accident, there's ALWAYS some f*cking stupid student behind it!!! And then he said he was appalled by how every time they showed the video people would laugh at the bit where the girl burns, because if we'd seen what he'd seen we wouldn't think it funny. Out came the story about the Indian lady with the cheap sari that caught fire, and then, to top up the immense fun we were having, he showed us pictures. Yes, pictures of burnt people. Burnt because they were drunk and stupid or stoned and stupid.
All in all, I was holding back my tears at the end of it. I realise the need for fire safety and I can understand students can be more stupid than others, but this was just too much. I was really angry with that fireman, but my housemate (I'll get back to her in a minute) thought it was a hilarious meeting.
In any case, as I was cooking last night before going to Pirates of the Caribbean 2, with the fire door closed and the back door open to let out the cooking fumes, the fire alarm went off. I didn't think there was a real fire, but I turned of the hobs just in case, walked outside and called 999 as the man had told us to. I told them I didn't think there was a real fire but they sent a team anyways. After about 5 minutes of the alarm going off, the one housemate that was at home came out and said I should phone security as well, which I did. I found out that my housemate, obviously ignoring everything they had told us on Wednesday, had propped open the fire door with the bin and opened and the back door (which I had closed). So I closed them again and waited outside. When everyone arrived I felt very silly but also upset (because the fireman on Wednesday had said my Uni is close to not getting any fire brigade coverage because of the many hoax calls), but the firemen and the security men told me I had done the right thing and not to worry. They told off my housemate for not waiting outside, but she seemed to think the whole thing was a joke anyway, so I've decided to rely on myself rather than her in the case of an actual emergency.
We didn't find out why the alarm had gone off, but I have two possible theories:
1) because I had left the back door open, the steam from my cooking went through the back door, into the garden, and then through the toilet window back into the hallway. This is not a very good theory, as there wasn't that much steam from my cooking and it sounds a bit too complicated.
2) my stoner housemate (yes, the same one who thought everything extremely funny) was smoking up in her room and set off the fire alarm, but was too scared/dumb/not bothered to own up to it.
I am going for theory 2 until I get solid proof my housemate does not smoke up (but I am pretty sure she does).
In any case, the firemen were very nice and now that I realise they will be here very soon in case of a real emergency, they are in my good books again.

Words, Words, Words

I have been looking up prices for half of the books I will need for my first term (I still don't know my modules, and even had a dream where I HAD to take popular children's fiction, which deals mainly with Goosebumps and Babysitter's club), and it is all so confuzzling.... It is going to cost me about £150 I think, and thats just one half, and one term! Eeps. Library, here I come!

I Do Not Know What To Wear (Or, Autumn Has Finally Arrived)

I really really really (really) like autumn. Reasons being mainly that it is not summer (I hate summer), I can wear cardies and comfy sweaters again, I don't have to use sunscreen, and i love cold weather.
The only bad thing is that I have no idea what to wear! I mean, I can deal with winter and sort of with summer, but in autumn, the weather can go wherever it likes... So I, gleefully, put on a nice big sweater, and then the sun breaks out! Bad, very bad. So I guess I have to rely in layering... My life is so tough...
Oh, and I live an an old Victorian house now without double glazing, so I already wake up shivering every morning...
Hooray for autumn!
I need some bedsocks.

I Hate Firemen (Well, One Particular Berkshire Fireman Who Shall Remain Unnamed)

But I'm not going to tell you why! Here's the pictures of my new room:







That thing on my coffee table that looks like a football is actually a teapot. Also, I haven't got a bedside table yet but have been promised one, so let's all cross our fingers! Well, on second thought, don't because it might take a while.
And on a side note: I have found out an awful lot of people drive with their music on far too loud for their (and my) own good.

Today's Conversation Between My Hands (Or, Religious Conflicts Of The Manual Kind)

Right Hand: Hey Left, how are you? Palm still hurting?
Left Hand: Hurting, no. Disfigured, yes. I'm well pissed off!
Right Hand: Wow, wow, calm down! What's wrong?
Left Hand: Well, don't you think it would be nice sometimes to be treated just slightly better by Her?
Right Hand: What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with the way She treats us!
Left Hand: Oh no? And what about Right Index Finger, hm? I guess she likes being slammed into a closing drawer? No doubt she enjoys the privilege of developing a black spot and having everything She makes her do hurt?
Right Hand: There's no need to get stroppy, She had just gotten up, She didn't mean to close that drawer on Index!
Left Hand: Whatever. You'd think someone in charge of an entire frikkin' body would be a bit more careful!
Right Hand: Hey, hey, you can't just go around saying things like that! She usually takes really good care of us, She's just a bit nervous about this whole new university thing and having to make sure her room is done and tidy so She can put the pictures online!
Left Hand: How do you figure She takes good care of us, hm? Let's just think about it rationally. One: She makes us type loads and loads without even giving us any kind of reward for it. Two: we always get dry and chapped in the winter and autumn, and She hardly ever remembers to wear gloves or put on handcream until after we're already damaged. Three: She both burns me and slams you in a drawer within 13 hours!
Right Hand: Well, She might not be perfect, but you know what, She tries very hard and I'm sure it is not easy having to look after an entire body.
Left Hand: I don't believe you! She uses you like a slave, I mean, at least I get a break from writing when there's no computer around but for you it just never stops!
Right Hand: Well, maybe I like serving Her like that. Maybe you just don't have enough faith.
Left Hand: Maybe not, but I think it is ridiculous to believe when you don't get anything out of it!
Right Hand: That is so not what faith is about. You just don't get it do you? You don't believe and work hard to get something out of it, you do it as a testament of your faith!
Left Hand: Well, Anyone who treates Their hands like this doesn't deserve my worship.
Right Hand: Fine, whatever, suit yourself. I don't want to listen to this nonsense anymore.
Left Hand: Just telling it like it is... If you can't handle the truth, you'd better not listen anymore!
Right Hand: Well, I won't! So bye!
Left Hand: Fine, bye!

The (Not So) Unfortunate Death Of The Electric Cooker

Curtains open. Visible is a dark stage with a spotlight on a white electric cooker stage left. The rest of the stage is extremely dark, but shapes of other kitchen appliances are visible.
A tall, muscly Man walks in, holding something dark and heavy behind his back which he puts next to the Electric Cooker, out of the audience's line of sight.

Electric Cooker (shivering): W-w-what do you want?
Man (calmly): Electric Cooker, I have come to talk to you. You have a chance to defend yourself against the charges I will lay at your feet. If you cannot defend yourself adequately, I will have to kill you.
Electric Cooker (terrified): B-b-but what have I done to deserve this?
Man: The first charge against you is that of complete uselessness. Is it not true that you will not work unless a main switched is first turned on, hereby misleading The Beautiful Lady into believing that her pan with oil and chopped up onions is being heated when it is not?
Electric Cooker: Well, ehm, I ehm, I... (suddenly inspired) It is just the way my manufacturers made me! And I cannot help what happens when I am not turned on, I am not aware of it!
Man: This is an adequate defence. However, is it not also true that once heated, it is extremely hard to quickly turn down the heat you put out, causing The Beautiful Lady to be stressed about overcooking her food?
Electric Cooker (still inspired by his earlier triumph): This might be true, but The Beautiful Lady could just keep another hob on on a lower heat and be done with it!!
Man: This is an inadequate defence. The Beautiful Lady should not have to make up for your defects, as she is perfect and lovely, and you are not. Moreover, is it not true that the markings on your switches have been rubbed out, making it almost impossible for The Beautiful Lady and her Nearly Perfect Housemates to make out what heat they are cooking their food on?
Electric Cooker (getting a bit fed up with the man now, and forgetting the threat of the thing that is stood by his side): Well, it is hardly my fault that I am so popular my markings are slightly worn. And in any case, if The Beautiful Lady had a bit more patience she could just wait and feel how much heat I am giving off!
Man (severe): This is another inadequate defence. Do not toy with me, Electric Cooker, for I see throught your hastily fabricated excuses. The Beautiful Lady should not have to adapt to your silly whims. Is it not true that because of your worn out markings, The Beautiful Lady accidentally turned on a hob to its highest heat instead of taking the one she was using down one level? Is it not true that this both damaged her spatula and made her burn the palm of her left hand quite painfully?
Electric Cooker (quite desperate now): I-I-I... I do not think this is fair at all! I did not design myself and cannot be held responsible for my actions!!!
Man: This is where you are wrong, Electric Cooker, you can. And you will. I will make sure you suffer for the wrongs you have done to The Beautiful Lady and her Beautiful Left Hand.
Electric Cooker (past caring now): Whatever. Your 'Beautiful Lady' isn't that beautiful anyways, give me a nice-looking washing machine over her any day! And what are you going to do about it, huh? Make me short-circuit or summat?
Man (taking his bucket with water from behind the Electric Cooker): That is exactly what I will do, Electric Cooker.

Electric Cooker makes loud swallowing noise.

Complete blackout. Sounds of bucket of water being emptied. Electric Cooker screams, then is heard to slowly crackle and die. Man walks away, with light gray spotlight following him. When he has left the stage, all is dark.

The Worst Thing About Having To Stand In A Queue For 45 Minutes To Pick Up My Library Card

Was the guy standing in front of me, who insisted on trying to talk to me about really dull things. The topics discussed include (but are not limited to):
- The University he did his undergraduate degree at in London
- The multiple times he applied at Warwick but was rejected (obviously through no fault of his own)
- What on earth I could do with a degree in Children's Literature
- The correct pronounciation of Dutch footballers' names
- Football (after I told him I do not like football)
- How he did 5 A-levels and was obviously very smart
- The exact description/origin of his accent
I wouldn't have minded having a boring conversation with him too much, but he obviously didn't enjoy the conversation either as he kept looking around for more interesting people to talk to (which is hard when you're in a queue - you're kinda limited to two people and the guy in front of him was talking with the friend he was queuing with), and at some points stood with his back towards me while I was still finishing a sentence. I have no idea why he insisted, as we were both so obviously not enjoying talking to each other, and I was even on the phone writing a text to prevent him from talking to me (he had been on the phone himself for quite a while and I was hoping it would last all of the queue), but he kept going on and on... Sigh. At least he does something with economics or finance, so I will never have to see him again!
In the better part of my day I became a member of the Reading Film Theatre (President: Kenneth Branagh) and got home insurance (for much less than I thought it would be) that also covers any accidental damage in my room and for my laptop wherever I take it. So, as of today, I can spill coffee on my books, sit on my glasses, leave my laptop on the bus, and leave the door open but still claim anything stolen on my insurance! Hooray for me and fuck the rest (I am afraid only my mum will get that)
I also just managed to get the neighbour to turn down his music so the excruciatingly annoying thumping has stopped. Let's just hope he remembers and I don't have to remind him daily...