I Am Happy

Life is good when you're in Friesland and the sun is shining brightly. Having a most awesome time, and all of you who read this who actually know me in real life (except my mum) should be expecting a card soon! Not much to say at the moment, just that life is good.

I Might Be Gone For A While

Hello dear Blog readers,

I am sat at my mother's computer trying to come up with a nice way of saying I won't be around much the coming 3 weeks. I am going to my grandparents' place in Friesland (have I told you guys this already? I am seriously in need of a memory upgrade), and I think they might not have broadband so my net-time will be limited. Don't worry, I'll send you guys a nice postcard of a cow (my grandad undoubtedly has a scanner (all the men in my mother's side of the family are techno/gadget obsessed) so it shouldn't be too much of a problem), and if I meet a handsome Fresian farmer you guys will be, well, not the first, but at the most the third of fourth to know!

see you all at a not-too-far-yet-unspecified-time,

Q.M.

PS: I have a new reader! Someone who doesn't actually know me in real life! I'm so excited about it! Welcome!!
PS2: I seem to be almost unable to write a sentence without it ending in an exclamation mark lately, sorry about that!

Why The Princess Was Happy She Wasn't Going Out With The Crab Anymore (Or; I Am Sorry For Using Such A Bad Joke As My Title, But It Fits So Well!)

The Beautiful Princess is walking along an extremely pretty beach. The sun is shining, the sand is hot, and the tide is going down. The Beautiful Princess decides to sit down for a while to enjoy her surroundings. As time passes, more of the sea disappears, and finally it reveals a big crab sitting on the wet part of the beach.

CRAB: Hello
B.P.: Oh, hello Crab, I didn't see you there.
CRAB: Oh, that's okay, you looked quite busy anyway.
B.P.: Well, I have some time to talk, if you would like to.
CRAB: Great. So, how are you?
B.P.: I am actually doing great, I mean, I managed to slay that pesky dragon that was bothering me so much at the castle, and I am really proud of it! It takes some getting used to finally living in such a calm and smoke-free castle, but it is really nice! How are you?
CRAB: Uh-huh. I am really busy right now, you know, just one week left in crab-fishing season, busy dodging those nets! I can tell you right now, you can't imagine how stressful it is, and I never seem to manage to find a hiding place in time! I have been truly stressed for the past few months, and the last week is always the worst!
B.P.: Well, at least you know it's going to be over soon!
CRAB: I don't know, it just makes it worse, you know, having to figure out what to do after the season ends, trying to dodge those nets, and you know, the last week is always the worst!
B.P.: I'm sure you'll be able to do it, you are the Dodging King, aren't you?
CRAB (puffs up slightly): Well, yes, I mean, you know, that's true, but still... You shouldn't underestimate the stress I am under! (in an off-hand way) Oh by the way, I got that message in a bottle you sent me, about the dragon and how we broke up and stuff.
B.P. (slightly annoyed): Oh, right, okay. Well, you know, I feel so much better now, I was worried you weren't answering because you were angry with me or something.
CRAB: Oh no, no, just, busy, you know?
B.P.: Yes, I see. Well, you know, I felt I just wanted to explain some things to you, and I was really close to slaying the dragon, so I thought it was the right time to-
CRAB: So, you notice anything different about me?
B.P. (very annoyed now): Ehm, no, what is it?
CRAB (triumphantly): I got my hair done!
B.P.: Oh, right, yes, it's, ehm, red. Looks very, ehm, different from what you used to have.
CRAB: I know! I mean, I always had a bit of red, but you know, this is proper red! And I just feel so happy with it! And you know, with all this net-dodging I've been so busy I am really losing weight and I feel much better about myself! I mean, you know, I have lost a bit of weight, but I guess I just need to keep it up and maybe...
B.P.: Yes, if you just keep it up I am sure you will lose loads more, and it is healthy to keep moving, anyways. Just take it one step at a time, you know? You'll see the results in the end.
CRAB: Yeah, yeah, I guess so! I mean, you know, I really want to lose some more weight, so I am just going to pretend there's nets there, and I'll be dodging them! Ha! Ha! Ha!
B.P.: Heh. Yeh. Good for you.
CRAB: Yes, and I am so happy with my new hairdo! And you know, I am just feeling so much better with all the exercise.
B.P.: Yes, you must! I am still quite exhausted from slaying that huge dragon, but when I have had a bit of a rest I will get back to doing some exercise myself!
CRAB: Ha! Ha! Yeh, exercise is really dull but I feel really good doing it. You know, I already lost some weight. And I'm hardly eating with the stress! So that had me a bit worried. But I don't think I will eat tonight.
B.P.: It's probably better if you do.
CRAB: Hm, yes. Oh my God, I just managed to dodge the Lobster this morning, he is so annoying! Good grief. I think I saw him without his shell the other day, it was disgusting! You know, he is still so clingy! He keeps making pictures of me with his underwater-camera and stuff, it's well annoying.
B.P.: Yes, it must be. Well, anyways, I think I heard the dinner gong, so I'd better go!
CRAB: Oh, right yeah, well, I'd better get back into the sea! No use getting all dry and whatnot! Bye!
B.P. (walking away): Bye.

Heh.

from overheardatmcgills.com:

Prof: So which country do you think has the highest suicide rate?

Guy: um, the Netherlands… like Norway and stuff

Essay Writing Is Difficult

ARGH!!!! Just need to vent some steam here, because although I have good ideas for my essay, the words will not come out onto the computer screen. We have been thinking in such a different way from what I was used in undergrad, that where I used to be able to write a 5000 word essay in one day, I now struggle to get 500 in the same timeframe. I know the essay should turn out okay, and will maybe even be a good piece, but I hate that it is taking SO LONG! I am not used to working at this level of detail in my essays! Pfffff, back to work. Hoping to reach 1000 words today.

A Life Of One's Own

I have spent the past few days first with my aunt in London and Reading, and then with Em in Southampton. I had a really good time, and I finally saw an English beach! More importantly, though, in the last week or so I have finally achieved what I have wanted to for about half my life.
I am happy with my life and who I am.
I have worked out my feelings about my parents and their divorce and handling of it, I have realised that I am quite nice-looking and a nice person as well, and I have started to take a much more active interest in my surroundings. I am even starting to seriously think about signing up for the gym/starting a dance/work-out class, after I come back from seeing my grandparents. And I am going to be handing in one of my essays before I leave on Saturday.
I wrote my mother a letter about my post on May the 10th, and we had a short conversation on the phone about it while I was in the British Museum with my aunt on Thursday. Basically, I am just so happy that my mum can let me be my own person and make my own choices in life without trying to run my life for me. I don't know whether my father and I will ever be able to talk openly about our relationship and past, but I have accepted that and have realised that I am the only person who can live my life, and I need to make myself happy, rather than just do what others expect of me. Still, I am happy that I am going to be able to have a good talk with my mother when I go home, and that she is willing to open up to (and for) me. Seriously, mama, it really means a lot to me.
Anyways, this post is seriously unstructured, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I am enjoying life again, and the backdrop of blackness and unhappiness that was in my mind for such a long time has finally gone. I actually like myself now, and I am really looking forward to living the life I am going to choose for myself.

I Need To Pee, But You Guys Are More Important

So, I got a comment from 'just a visitor' saying it was about time I updated. I have two remarks to make about the comment:
- Someone I don't personally know reads my blog? Why???? Go do something fun instead! Or, if it is someone I know, why are they commenting anonymously? Both options kinda freak me out.
- I know I haven't been updating, but I have been busy lately! Today is the first day in a while that I actually have the time to post, and have something to say.
So there.

I'm Bored And You Must Suffer The Consequences

1.How old will you be in five years?
28. Oh. My. God.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
No one, but I am going to a Eurovision party later tonight.
3. How tall are you?
Apparently, short for a Dutch person.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Going to stay with my grandparents.
5. What's the last movie you saw?
Mysterious Skin, last night. Very good, but very horrifying film about paedophilia.
6. Who was the last person you called?
Ehm, I don't tend to call people really. Probably the man at Empire Magazine to arrange my subscription.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
My mum
8. What was the last text message you received?
It was from the Catwoman about tonight's party.
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voice mail?
Most likely my ex's dad. I don't get a lot of voice mails, and he called me by accident thinking I was his son. Not awkward at all!!
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Text, but only cos I tend to have really long conversations and all the people I would have those with are abroad and I have no landline phone.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Writing a letter to my mum.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced. For about 12 years now.
13. When is the last time you saw your mum?
Too long ago! The weekend before my birthday, she came to visit me and we had an awesome time.
14. What color are your eyes?
Brown.
15. What time did you wake up today?
Late. About 11. I have been having problems with falling asleep and waking up lately. I am tired, like, all the time.
16. What are you wearing right now?
My River Island jeans, a new blue top from Tesco, my birthday necklace and all the usual 'jewels'.
17. What is your favorite Christmas song?
'Hang Myself From The Tree' by Caesar. Tis most awesome.
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Most times, at my grandparents' place in the Friesland, which is in the north of The Netherlands.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Ehm, I have no idea. Probably Essex, but only for very personal reasons.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
On a round-the-world trip that lasts at least 5 years and stops in Holland for at least a month every year.
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I have no idea. I can't plan that far ahead. Hopefully, somewhere that makes me happy.
22. Do you tan or burn?
Burn. Unlike my father and brothers, grrrrr.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Heh, this is gonna be a long list! Roald Dahl's witches, sharks, zombies, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, anything in any scary book or film I read or watched, and random scary men I dreamt of.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
A Garfield comic where Garfield tells a mouse to translate for him so Jon can understand him. He says 'Meow', the mouse says 'Squeak', Jon looks confused. Made me laugh. A LOT.
25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think one but I don't watch it because it is my housemate's and lives in her room.
26. How big is your bed?
Normal size for a single bed, I guess.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
A laptop. Which I paid for with hard-earned Homebase money!
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
I have an obsession with pyjamas. I LOVE pyjamas.
29. What color are your sheets?
White.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two.
31. What is your favorite season?
Probably Spring.
32. What do you like about fall?
The falling leaves and their colours. Walking through the dry leaves, making everything rustle.
33. What do you like about winter?
Loads! Snow, coldness, wearing big jumpers, scarves, gloves, Sinterklaas, and lots more.
34. What do you like about the summer?
Very little.
35. What do you like about Spring?
My birthday and wearing less clothes without having to expose too much flesh.
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Sheesh. Ehm, 4 I guess. North-Holland, Hessen, West-Midlands and Berkshire.
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Amsterdam, Frankfurt am Main, Coventry, Reading.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Bare feet.
39. Are you a social person?
Definitely, I love being around other people.
40. What was the last thing you ate?
An avocado.
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Difficult!!! Prezzo is nice, but so is that Turkish restaurant whose name I can't remember and the Medditeranean whose name I can't remember, and many more. I just like all restaurants except Chinese ones.
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Ben & Jerry's Caramel Chew-Chew or Phishfood
43. What is your favorite dessert?
Pffffff, that's too hard a decision. I like almost every dessert ever made.
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Hmmmmmm, any ones made by my mother or grandmothers.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
I HATE jam.
46. Do you like Chinese food?
Nope.
47. Do you like coffee?
With lots of milk, yes.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Ehm, not that many, I'm a tea drinker, really.
49. What do you drink in the morning?
Tea or juice.
50. What time do you usually go to bed?
Half past ten-ish, if I am home. If I am with other people, usually around midnight.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Not really, I kinda fill the whole thing.
52. Do you know how to play poker?
No. I have the least poker-face-like face ever.
53. Do you like to cuddle?
Yes! Very much so.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No, but I would love to go.
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
Probably, yes.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
At home. I am trying to force myself to make nice food for myself as part of my new loving-myself-regime. Also, I am poor.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yes, two people actually. A girl I went to Drama School with and someone I went to uni with at Warwick. Also, Marlon Brando. But I don't really know him as such.
59. Do you want kids?
Right now, I'm not sure.
60. Do you speak any other languages?
I speak Dutch, German and English. And a little bit of French and some Russian phrases.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Yes, I was quite accident-prone as a child. Once, I had part of my mouth stitched up, and no, not because people got sick of hearing me talk!
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
No, but I have been in a police van with the sirens on.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Ocean is WAY prettier and much more calming.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Always a window, I like pondering the outside world.
65. Do you know how to drive?
Nope.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Books, Johnny Cash goodies and FOOD!!
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
No, I am too afraid that I'll be strangled by my necklace in my sleep as my mum always said I would be.
68. What is your favorite TV show?
Pffffffff, that's too hard. I love t.v. about half as much as I love food, which is A LOT, so I like almost anything except most reality t.v. and I get really upset watching the news.
69. Can you roll your tongue?
I'm not sure what that is, so for safety's sake I'm going to say no. My tongue is rather more defective than most people's.
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
Ehm, I have no idea. Everyone has their own funniness, it depends on your mood I think.
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yes, either a brown bear or a tiger.
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
It's called 'Ambient Mood' but I would much rather have it be a Johnny Cash song. Alas, I have no technical skills whatsoever.
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
My mum probably has some in her attic, seeing as almost everything ever lives there.
74. What red object is closest to you right now?
My new thermos mug.
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Yes.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed. Because I am anal.
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
I think bees because I am not allergic and I think there's more chance of surviving.
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I don't really eat them.
80. What is your favorite food?
That question is unanswerable. All food is good, except green peppers, peas and apricots.
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
No! Weirdo.
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Haha, seeing as the fastest thing I have ever driven is a bicycle I'm proud to say I haven't.
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
I don't own a car!
84. What is your preferred method of transportation?
I have recently started enjoying walking places.
85. What was the last book you read?
'Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl' by Harriet Jacobs - I am now thinking of doing my Theory essay about its introduction.
86. Do you read the newspaper?
No, but I should.
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
From today it is official: I have a subscription to Empire magazine!
89. Do you watch soap operas?
Yes, whenever I spend an evening at the Catwoman's house.
90. Do you dance in the car?
I dance whenever I am happy about something, so I probably have danced in a car at some point in my life.
91. What radio station did you last listen to?
I am currently listening to Radio 2.
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
A drawing of a little knight by my mother.
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
'Reader, be assured this narrative is no fiction' - the start of the introduction of the aforementioned book by Harriet Jacobs.
94. What is your favorite candle scent?
A candle that is way too expensie for me to even consider buying, I think it is Grapefruit and Pear but I might be wrong - it is gorgeous... I go smell it every time I am at Tesco's, like the freak that I am.
95. What is your favorite board game?
Cluedo! I LOVE that game, and I almost always win.
97. When was the last time you attended church?
Pfff, I have no idea. Probably Christmas Eve of the year my grandad was in hospital, to keep my nan company.
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Mr Rogers and Miss Kessler. They rocked.
99. Where did you go on vacation this past summer?
I didn't really go on holiday. I spent some of the summer at my mother's, some at my grandparents', and some at my father's. I went for a short 3-day holiday with my nan in Groningen, which is the province next to the one she lives in, and I went to the Unspunnen festival in Interlaken, Switzerland, but that was only for a weekend.

Good Things

• I am going to a Eurovision party tonight
• I have a new top on which only cost me £2.50
• The new top and the necklace the Wench gave me look really good together
• I have a new thermos mug which works so well I just burnt my tongue
• I have ideas for my essays

A Trip Down Memory Lane

When I was younger I dressed up a lot. We had a dressing-up-trunk, which was my great-grandfather's trunk from when he was at sea, and it was kept in my room. It was green and had my great-grandfather's name and address on the lid in black. The handles were made of thick rope. The lid-hinges were rusted or broken through so that you had to be careful opening the trunk (I don't know whether this has always been the case or if it happened when I was older). It was filled with old clothes that used to belong to my parents and grandparents. I loved that trunk. I still love it now.
Before I went to school, my brother, who's 3 years older than me, went to a primary school which had occasional parties (in my memory it was every Friday night, but I'm sure that can't be right) where everyone was dressed up. Younger brothers and sisters were also invited, as were parents. We have some pictures from the different dress-up parties, and I think most of what I remember is mixed up with looking at those pictures.
One night my brother was going as some sort of Aladdin-type character, with a turban and a drawn-on moustache and beard, and I was going as a posh lady (I had a shiny dress, a necklace and glasses). I think my brother's make-up made me want to have some as well, and so I asked my mother for a moustache and beard just like his. Thus, The Posh Lady With Moustache And Beard was born.
A few years later, when I was going to the same school and had friends of my own, I went as a Polar Bear. I wore all white and my mother made a cap with ears and painted my face. I was wearing white gloves, and to complete the performance, I clapped in my hands a lot. I don't know why, but somehow I had taken up the idea that that's what Polar Bears do, so it's what I did. In one of the pictures of that night, my hands are just a big blur.
My friend was dressed up as a ghost with a big sheet over her head and I think my brother was dressed up as Jim Button (but I am not sure). Another picture, of a different night, shows one of my brother's friends dressed up as a washing machine. It looks really good, although I think he may have gotten a bit fed up being in a box all evening.

As I grew older, the trunk moved with me to different houses, but after a while it stopped being a dressing-up trunk. I kept old papers and trinkets in there because I am a hoarder but I don't want my room to look too cluttered. I think the trunk is in my mother's attic now, and I kinda wish I had it here. It would be a good place to keep memories in, and I kind of miss it being part of my life. Is it strange to miss a trunk? Part of it, I know, is the fact that I miss being young like that, secure in my parent's love, and still in love with school and learning. Part of it is me wanting my own children one day (although I am still not sure about that), and wanting to give them a great childhood which isn't broken up by a divorce.
I find it hard to think of my childhood without thinking of it as two separate periods. There was the 'happy' time before the divorce, when I had a good time with my older brother and dressed up and went to a school I enjoyed. Then there's the 'unhappy' time, after the divorce, when no one understood me or tried to, and I felt so alone I wanted to stop existing. These two periods are a construct of my past which I know to be false to a certain extent, but it is also partly true. What I want is not to idealise or dismiss any part of my childhood, and to understand how two people who gave me such happy times could also be the ones to break my heart.
It was hard for me to realise I don't trust my parents, nor their love for me, but I am also finally realising that I need to make my own life exactly that: my own life. My parents had control over me for a long time, but I am an adult now, I can take care of myself, and I need to stop looking over my shoulder at them at every step I take. I need my parents, because I will never be a person that can look at her family and say 'I don't need any of them', but I don't need them to make my decisions any more.
I don't have to make myself from my my parents' old clothes: I can create my own me. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm Better

I was ill for the last few days with some weird stomach thing (incidentally, I hate the word 'tummy') but I am okay now, right in time for classes!
I have a post planned, but it is about a subject one of my friends (who going to a memorial service for one of his friends today) might not be too happy with reading right now, so you guys are gonna have to wait for it.
Lunch!

No More Butt-Inski

Tonight is the perfect night for watching a bit of t.v. I slept too long and didn't do much all day except housework (blegh) and reading, and this would be topped off most nicely with a bit if Friday-night t.v. Unfortunately, as I don't own a t.v., I will read a bit more of the fourth Harry Potter (must remember to ask my mum to take the fifth and sixth to my grandparents when she comes to visit) and then go to sleep - I am exhausted. I broke my tea pot and my nicest mug while sorting out my curtains, standing on my coffee table, and I am not happy about it!
What I am happy about, however, is that I have been pretty much content this week. After our night out with all the male compliments I received, my mood has been improving and now that I have realised I need to tell my father to stop trying to rule my life, I feel so much freeer, like having realised it has also made it easier for me to actually do it. So soon I will be fully emancipated and hopefully feel even better than I have been feeling in the last week.
Oh, and in other news: I have gone off The Kilt and Chiseled Man. In class this week I felt no sparkle or anything about The Kilt, and to top up the lack of silly crushes in my life, I found out Chiseled Man smokes! Blegh. In any case, I am slowly starting to really believe that I don't need a man to be happy, and that I can be happy on my own, with myself. I would still quite like a man in my life, but I know that right now I am not quite solid enough in my mental health to not fall back into my old ways of adapting completely to what I think my boyfriend wants. However, I also know that some day (soon) I will be strong enough to be myself and stay myself, and I am thoroughly looking forward to it!
Kisses to all of you for sticking by me, you wonderful people!

My Deamon

It's a mouse! Called Tarquin!

http://www.goldencompassmovie.com/?61515


I love the name, and I guess you can easily hide a mouse, so that's good...