While I was writing the previous post Mr. G. started talking to me on msn. I have been thinking lately that talking to him is probably not doing me much good, but that doesn't mean I want to stop talking to him. Basically, what I want is for him to know exactly what I am feeling right now and to be perfect and make me feel better, when I know that all he can do right now is make me feel worse because he doesn't want to be my boyfriend.
I told him I didn't know whether it was a good idea for me to be talking to him, and he then said he respected that and that he would leave me alone. Then he said 'bye' and left. I cried. I know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I don't want to accept it. I want him to be secretly planning how to get back together with me, and to be planning some ridiculously romantic getting-back-together plan of action. But he doesn't even mind whether he talks to me or not. It hurts it hurts it hurts. And it hurts even more when I think about how little I like myself and why I feel someone else needs to fill that gap for me.
I wish I could go home and go to the beach. Or even that I could afford to take the train to the nearest beach here. I want to go see my grandmother and let her take care of me for a little while, go to the sea with her and make caramel puddings. Just let someone take care of me and tell me everything is ok. But as it stands now, I don't even have enough money to go home for my birthday, and I'm not sure I have the energy, either. Christmas was so hectic I promised myself not to go through that again, and if I did go home (and there, the Switzerland/Holland debate kicks in), I would just feel guilty if I didn't see my entire family and my friends.
I think I will just try to distract myself with some work. Too bad I've read all the books for this week and I just have an article for Theory left to do.

Disclaimer: I know all of you care about me and are doing your best to make me feel better, but I think right now I am just not able to take it in. Don't stop caring about me, please, but have some patience with me. I don't know how or when I will sort it out, but I am hoping I will manage it at some point.