I Am Officially Ace

And you could be, too!! All you have to do is make The Wench do some work for a change! Or not, it's totally up to you, I just thought I would get in her good books by providing the link to the 2 or 3 people who read this.

Chow Yun Fat Just Died

Or, for the boring version of life, I just watched 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Completely forgotten how much I love that film... But I could never even for a moment forget how much I love Chow Yun Fat... He is my man. Foreva.

(Yes, I know I'm a slut. Leave me alone!)

There Was A Post Here But I Deleted It

I feel really really shit and I have decided to go for the anti-depressants because I cannot take this anymore. I only have 4 counselling sessions left, which I have to save for these types of situations, so I am booking one for soon, but I am never going to solve my problems like this. I don't know what the anti-deps will do, but it is worth a try and to be honest, the post I deleted scared even me.
Thank you everyone for your support, and Wench, I am sorry.

While I was writing the previous post Mr. G. started talking to me on msn. I have been thinking lately that talking to him is probably not doing me much good, but that doesn't mean I want to stop talking to him. Basically, what I want is for him to know exactly what I am feeling right now and to be perfect and make me feel better, when I know that all he can do right now is make me feel worse because he doesn't want to be my boyfriend.
I told him I didn't know whether it was a good idea for me to be talking to him, and he then said he respected that and that he would leave me alone. Then he said 'bye' and left. I cried. I know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I don't want to accept it. I want him to be secretly planning how to get back together with me, and to be planning some ridiculously romantic getting-back-together plan of action. But he doesn't even mind whether he talks to me or not. It hurts it hurts it hurts. And it hurts even more when I think about how little I like myself and why I feel someone else needs to fill that gap for me.
I wish I could go home and go to the beach. Or even that I could afford to take the train to the nearest beach here. I want to go see my grandmother and let her take care of me for a little while, go to the sea with her and make caramel puddings. Just let someone take care of me and tell me everything is ok. But as it stands now, I don't even have enough money to go home for my birthday, and I'm not sure I have the energy, either. Christmas was so hectic I promised myself not to go through that again, and if I did go home (and there, the Switzerland/Holland debate kicks in), I would just feel guilty if I didn't see my entire family and my friends.
I think I will just try to distract myself with some work. Too bad I've read all the books for this week and I just have an article for Theory left to do.

Disclaimer: I know all of you care about me and are doing your best to make me feel better, but I think right now I am just not able to take it in. Don't stop caring about me, please, but have some patience with me. I don't know how or when I will sort it out, but I am hoping I will manage it at some point.

If I Were Rich

• I would be able to finish my MA without having to ask my parents for more money
• I would be able to buy my own place which NO ONE ELSE would be allowed to live or make mess or make noise
• I would hire a cook to make me lovely food every day
• I would pay for my family and friends to come visit me lots
• I would be able to go to all the plays, musicals and concerts I want to see
• I would get a cat
• I would be able to afford a t.v. and the licence fee
• I would get driving lessons and a pootiful car to take them in
• I would get a personal trainer and get fit
• I would buy all the clothes I want
• I would actually spend money in Accesorize on bags (pause to wipe drool off laptop)
• I would be able to pay for therapy so I didn't have to limit my visits to 6 times
• I would buy all the shoes I want

• I would still be me (trying to see this as a positive point)
• I would still feel shit about Mr. G.
• I would still miss being around my family and knowing what their life is like
• I would still think I'm never going to meet that perfect guy
• I would only be marginally happier (because no money problems would be a nice change for once)

The Greatest Thing I'll Never Learn...

Watching Moulin Rouge tonight was not the best way to end a melancholy day. Right now, I feel like nothing good is coming my way. Ever again. Sleep sounds like a good idea...

So, there's this tutor at my university I kind of have a crush on. He teaches the 19th-century module, he's probably in his late thirties, and he's Scottish. For this last reason he will be called The Kilt (he wears trousers in real life, don't worry).
The Kilt is not remarkably handsome, clever (actually, he is very clever because he teaches the course of no comprehension, so forget I said that) or funny, but still, for some strange reason I quite fancy him. One of my friends, Catwoman, pointed out to me that I have a crush on him a few weeks ago and ever since Mr G and I broke up I have decided to just let the crush take over. I joke and sort of flirt with him and my goal is to make him blush in class (without embarrassing myself), which I haven't managed as yet.
Today I was going for a big lunch before the start of classes, on my own, and as I was waiting to be served, The Kilt came up to me to say hi and order his own food. As he was on his own and I had to ask him a question about my essay, I invited him to have lunch with me. We chatted (and ate, of course) for about half an hour, talking about my essay (a little), my old uni (quite a lot) and a tutor from that uni who's a friend of The Kilt's. He then left to do some marking, and I left to get some tea before class started.
When Catwoman found out, she could hardly contain herself. After Theory, which is the last class of the evening and ends at 8, we went to a pub quiz together, and during the walk there I was interrogated about the date, as Catwoman and another woman from the course soon called it. When we got to the pub, I was engaged to be married to The Kilt, and on the way home from the pub, I was pregnant with his babies.
I just hope he'll wear a kilt at the wedding, and that he's prepared to learn Dutch!

Big Girls, You Are Good At Pool

I have officially gone deaf. It took me almost all of the song to realise that in fact, Mika was not singing 'Big girls, you are good at pool' but 'Big girls, you are beautiful'.
Silly me.

The Germans Are Coming!!

I met one of my new housemates today, he's from Berlin and doing some technical-sounding MA. He and his 'friend' (there was a pause before he uttered the word, and he has the double room, so I have my suspicions) have borrowed my map to go shopping, and they haven't come back yet so I hope they didn't get lost...
Anyways, he seemed nice, and I'm hoping they don't like loud music, as they have moved into the room above mine... (if they are a couple; if not, only one of them has)
In other news, I am talking to Mr G again. Sort of. Think what you will.

What Is It With Open Endings?

I have just finished 'The Glass Books Of The Dream Eaters' by G. W. Dahlquist (and my essay, by the way, yay for me!), which is a really good book (although hard to read in bed because it is about 750 pages and a hardback book with a stuck-on dust cover) filled with intrigue and exciting stuff happening (as well as a lot of sex which I did not expect). It is also immensely hyped up, with the book designed to look like the Glass Books of the title, and lots of 'mysteriousness' surrounding the author, but that is not as annoying as the fact that for some stupid reason, the author thought it a good idea to give the book an open ending.
I mean, seriously, if you can think of all the amazing and fantastical things that happen throughout the book, you can come up with a simultaneously satisfying and original ending! Is it really too much to ask to know what happens to our heroes after they have successfully done away with the baddies (it is a 19th-century style novel, so you know they baddies are gonna get it)? I don't want them to successfully end their mission only to then be left in a lurch! And it is not like the author would have any problems coming up with something good; the whole book was pretty full of surprises and clever distractions, so a good (meaning, Merel-satisfying) ending could also have been constructed.
I am highly pissed off about this, I really am. I mean, it is not as bad as the end of Sue Townsend's 'The Queen And I' (for which quite frankly, she should be shot), but still...
Maybe I am just too simple-minded to appreciate the satisfaction of not really knowing for sure, but I really would have preferred it all to be neatly tied up. And I was so proud of Dahlquist for not giving the book one of those stupid 'this is where the villain explains his entire evil plot to the goodies while giving them enough time to regain their strength and kill them before the evil plan is set in work' scenes...
Anyways, I would write a really intelligent and in-depth post about this (because I could, you know! Don't think I couldn't!!), but I have spent all my intelligence on my essay, which is probably the way it should be. Still, BLEGH! to mister Dahlquist for not giving me a simple (or complicated, really, I am easy that way) and satisfactory conclusion for Celeste, Cardinal Chang and Dr Svenson (I don't really care about Eloise, she can drown for all I care).
And he'd better not done it so he could make a sequel, because that would really tick me off!!

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

I just have my conclusion left to do for my essay, and let's all hope I can manage it over 300 words to reach the bottom requirement of 3000 words for the whole essay... I don't seem to be able to write long essays anymore, as this course makes me doubt everything I say... And also I am really tired... And also I am abviously still feeling shit... BLEGH!!! (Word of they day yesterday, but I'm thinking of making it the word of the month)

I Miss Him

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him
So why don't I just talk to him, since he's on msn? I think I will turn off my computer and read a book.
I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him
But not as much as I miss my grandmother. I think. Maybe I'm just used to missing her. I might get used to missing him.
I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him
Ok, I will go and read a book to take my mind off it.

Update

The essay is halfway done, and although Mr G is online, I have not spoken to him!
Will now go celebrate by going outside for a bit to buy tea and something nice for lunch.

I Am Not A Big Fan Of Boys Right Now

How extremely convenient that exactly when I am over the worst of my flu and the essay deadline is two days away, I start crying over Mr G randomly. I miss being his friend and girlfriend, and I so much want to talk to him... But I am restraining myself, and forcing back the tears so I can write this damned essay, then fall apart.
Stay tuned for more lovely tales from my life.

I Could Write A Really Long Post About Tonight, But I Don't Feel Up To It

I have the flu and Mr G broke up with me. I feel shit.

Today

Today is a good day, a day where I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me, a day where I can truly say I am happy with who I am and what is going on in my life. I'm sure I will feel differently at some point in the near future, but it's days like this that both delight and confuse me. What makes one day so very easy to get through and another impossible to manage? One day I think about everything that is going on in my head and my life and (over)analyse it, and another I just enjoy life.
Today is a day when I feel like I don't have any type of depression, and counselling is not necessary. It is also a day I know will end, but I don't want it to. And it is a day I would like to repeat. I am going to do my best to make tomorrow another day like today, and the day after and so on. So, maybe, if I can keep this feeling going, no days will be bad days.
Well, at least, maybe I can cope better with the bad days by remembering I have good ones too, and by being prepared to take the good with the bad.