Why The Princess Was Happy She Wasn't Going Out With The Crab Anymore (Or; I Am Sorry For Using Such A Bad Joke As My Title, But It Fits So Well!)

The Beautiful Princess is walking along an extremely pretty beach. The sun is shining, the sand is hot, and the tide is going down. The Beautiful Princess decides to sit down for a while to enjoy her surroundings. As time passes, more of the sea disappears, and finally it reveals a big crab sitting on the wet part of the beach.

CRAB: Hello
B.P.: Oh, hello Crab, I didn't see you there.
CRAB: Oh, that's okay, you looked quite busy anyway.
B.P.: Well, I have some time to talk, if you would like to.
CRAB: Great. So, how are you?
B.P.: I am actually doing great, I mean, I managed to slay that pesky dragon that was bothering me so much at the castle, and I am really proud of it! It takes some getting used to finally living in such a calm and smoke-free castle, but it is really nice! How are you?
CRAB: Uh-huh. I am really busy right now, you know, just one week left in crab-fishing season, busy dodging those nets! I can tell you right now, you can't imagine how stressful it is, and I never seem to manage to find a hiding place in time! I have been truly stressed for the past few months, and the last week is always the worst!
B.P.: Well, at least you know it's going to be over soon!
CRAB: I don't know, it just makes it worse, you know, having to figure out what to do after the season ends, trying to dodge those nets, and you know, the last week is always the worst!
B.P.: I'm sure you'll be able to do it, you are the Dodging King, aren't you?
CRAB (puffs up slightly): Well, yes, I mean, you know, that's true, but still... You shouldn't underestimate the stress I am under! (in an off-hand way) Oh by the way, I got that message in a bottle you sent me, about the dragon and how we broke up and stuff.
B.P. (slightly annoyed): Oh, right, okay. Well, you know, I feel so much better now, I was worried you weren't answering because you were angry with me or something.
CRAB: Oh no, no, just, busy, you know?
B.P.: Yes, I see. Well, you know, I felt I just wanted to explain some things to you, and I was really close to slaying the dragon, so I thought it was the right time to-
CRAB: So, you notice anything different about me?
B.P. (very annoyed now): Ehm, no, what is it?
CRAB (triumphantly): I got my hair done!
B.P.: Oh, right, yes, it's, ehm, red. Looks very, ehm, different from what you used to have.
CRAB: I know! I mean, I always had a bit of red, but you know, this is proper red! And I just feel so happy with it! And you know, with all this net-dodging I've been so busy I am really losing weight and I feel much better about myself! I mean, you know, I have lost a bit of weight, but I guess I just need to keep it up and maybe...
B.P.: Yes, if you just keep it up I am sure you will lose loads more, and it is healthy to keep moving, anyways. Just take it one step at a time, you know? You'll see the results in the end.
CRAB: Yeah, yeah, I guess so! I mean, you know, I really want to lose some more weight, so I am just going to pretend there's nets there, and I'll be dodging them! Ha! Ha! Ha!
B.P.: Heh. Yeh. Good for you.
CRAB: Yes, and I am so happy with my new hairdo! And you know, I am just feeling so much better with all the exercise.
B.P.: Yes, you must! I am still quite exhausted from slaying that huge dragon, but when I have had a bit of a rest I will get back to doing some exercise myself!
CRAB: Ha! Ha! Yeh, exercise is really dull but I feel really good doing it. You know, I already lost some weight. And I'm hardly eating with the stress! So that had me a bit worried. But I don't think I will eat tonight.
B.P.: It's probably better if you do.
CRAB: Hm, yes. Oh my God, I just managed to dodge the Lobster this morning, he is so annoying! Good grief. I think I saw him without his shell the other day, it was disgusting! You know, he is still so clingy! He keeps making pictures of me with his underwater-camera and stuff, it's well annoying.
B.P.: Yes, it must be. Well, anyways, I think I heard the dinner gong, so I'd better go!
CRAB: Oh, right yeah, well, I'd better get back into the sea! No use getting all dry and whatnot! Bye!
B.P. (walking away): Bye.

The Need For A Man: A Play In One Act

The time is half past 8 in the evening. In a reasonably small community kitchen of a university house stands a young woman with a frying pan in one hand, a partially eaten apple in the other. She puts the frying pan on the front left hob of the electric cooker (stage right), turns the hob to the highest setting and walks to the sink (stage left). She opens the cupboard above the sink and takes out a used, but nearly full, bottle of olive oil, opens it and pours some of the oil in the pan, after which she closes the bottle and puts it back in the cupboard. She takes a bite out of her apple and walks to the fridge (stage right, behind the cooker) out of which she takes something wrapped in aluminium foil. She unwraps the foil and puts a hamburger in the pan with oil, which has now heated up. Throughout all this the young woman keeps eating her apple, until it is finished. She throws away the foil and the apple core, and walks to the sink to wash her hands. She notices some crockery and cutlery that is standing next to the sink, checks that it is dry and proceeds to put the things in the cupboard above the sink, but leaves a yellow plate standing in the drying rack.
When she is done, the young woman takes the plate and puts it on the work surface (front of stage, so that when the young woman uses it she faces the audience). She takes out a cucumber and a sharp knife from the cupboard above the sink, cuts the cucumber in half on the plate, puts the rest back in the cupboard and peels and dices the cucumber halve. She realises something, walks to the electric cooker and turns over the hamburger. She returns to the work surface, then moves to the cupboard, takes out the rest of the cucumber and peels and dices it, until the entire cucumber is cut up on one half of her plate. She walks to the fridge and takes out two containers. She opens the plastic wrapping of one and takes out 5 cherry tomatoes on the vine. She washes them, cuts them into parts and places these on top of the cucumber. She then opens the other container and puts all the cold (but cooked) green beans in the container on the tomatoes and cucumber. She puts the empty green beans' container next to the sink, then puts the rest of the tomatoes, still in the container, back in the fridge. She takes out a small jar and puts it next to the plate. She remembers something, turns down the heat on the hamburger, then walks to the cupboard, takes out two slices of bread and puts them in the toaster (on top of the fridge).
She walks back to the work surface, picks up the jar and tries to open it. It will not open. She tries one more time, but the jar won't budge. She shrugs her shoulders, walks to the fridge and takes out a jar of mayonnaise, and takes the slices of bread, that are now done, from the toaster, then puts the bread on the plate and the jar of mayonnaise on the work surface. She walks to the cupboard and takes out a jar of mustard. She spreads mustard on one of the slices, then mayonnaise on the other. She puts back the mustard, then the mayonnaise, turns off the heat on the hamburger and puts it on one of the slices of bread. She then puts the other one on top of the hamburger, and walks off (stage right).
When the young woman comes back, she is carrying a paper towel and has a determined look on her face. She wraps the paper towel around the jar and tries to open it again. She fails. She tries again. The jar simply will not open. As she keeps on trying, removing the paper towel after three tries and trying a few more times with her bare hands, the young woman becomes more and more desperate. Slowly, tears begin to trickle down her face. She becomes more and more pathetic-looking, but is still determined to open the jar.
Finally, she realises she cannot open the jar and she breaks down. She throws the jar on the floor, where it breaks in a million dressing-covered pieces, and sinks down on the floor next to it. As she tries to scoop up the bits of glass in an effort to save her dressing, she realises what she is doing and breaks down in hysteric sobs. The young woman is now half sitting, half lying on the floor, crying and bleeding from the shards of glass stuck in her hands. Finally, she manages to sit up. She looks at her ruined jar of dressing and cries out (still sobbing, but trying to suppress it):

Where's my God-damn Prince Charming?

Lights fade until stage is completely black and silent.

[disclaimer: this is fiction, people! I am not having a crisis of any sort]

The (Not So) Unfortunate Death Of The Electric Cooker

Curtains open. Visible is a dark stage with a spotlight on a white electric cooker stage left. The rest of the stage is extremely dark, but shapes of other kitchen appliances are visible.
A tall, muscly Man walks in, holding something dark and heavy behind his back which he puts next to the Electric Cooker, out of the audience's line of sight.

Electric Cooker (shivering): W-w-what do you want?
Man (calmly): Electric Cooker, I have come to talk to you. You have a chance to defend yourself against the charges I will lay at your feet. If you cannot defend yourself adequately, I will have to kill you.
Electric Cooker (terrified): B-b-but what have I done to deserve this?
Man: The first charge against you is that of complete uselessness. Is it not true that you will not work unless a main switched is first turned on, hereby misleading The Beautiful Lady into believing that her pan with oil and chopped up onions is being heated when it is not?
Electric Cooker: Well, ehm, I ehm, I... (suddenly inspired) It is just the way my manufacturers made me! And I cannot help what happens when I am not turned on, I am not aware of it!
Man: This is an adequate defence. However, is it not also true that once heated, it is extremely hard to quickly turn down the heat you put out, causing The Beautiful Lady to be stressed about overcooking her food?
Electric Cooker (still inspired by his earlier triumph): This might be true, but The Beautiful Lady could just keep another hob on on a lower heat and be done with it!!
Man: This is an inadequate defence. The Beautiful Lady should not have to make up for your defects, as she is perfect and lovely, and you are not. Moreover, is it not true that the markings on your switches have been rubbed out, making it almost impossible for The Beautiful Lady and her Nearly Perfect Housemates to make out what heat they are cooking their food on?
Electric Cooker (getting a bit fed up with the man now, and forgetting the threat of the thing that is stood by his side): Well, it is hardly my fault that I am so popular my markings are slightly worn. And in any case, if The Beautiful Lady had a bit more patience she could just wait and feel how much heat I am giving off!
Man (severe): This is another inadequate defence. Do not toy with me, Electric Cooker, for I see throught your hastily fabricated excuses. The Beautiful Lady should not have to adapt to your silly whims. Is it not true that because of your worn out markings, The Beautiful Lady accidentally turned on a hob to its highest heat instead of taking the one she was using down one level? Is it not true that this both damaged her spatula and made her burn the palm of her left hand quite painfully?
Electric Cooker (quite desperate now): I-I-I... I do not think this is fair at all! I did not design myself and cannot be held responsible for my actions!!!
Man: This is where you are wrong, Electric Cooker, you can. And you will. I will make sure you suffer for the wrongs you have done to The Beautiful Lady and her Beautiful Left Hand.
Electric Cooker (past caring now): Whatever. Your 'Beautiful Lady' isn't that beautiful anyways, give me a nice-looking washing machine over her any day! And what are you going to do about it, huh? Make me short-circuit or summat?
Man (taking his bucket with water from behind the Electric Cooker): That is exactly what I will do, Electric Cooker.

Electric Cooker makes loud swallowing noise.

Complete blackout. Sounds of bucket of water being emptied. Electric Cooker screams, then is heard to slowly crackle and die. Man walks away, with light gray spotlight following him. When he has left the stage, all is dark.