I Am Officially Ace

And you could be, too!! All you have to do is make The Wench do some work for a change! Or not, it's totally up to you, I just thought I would get in her good books by providing the link to the 2 or 3 people who read this.

Chow Yun Fat Just Died

Or, for the boring version of life, I just watched 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Completely forgotten how much I love that film... But I could never even for a moment forget how much I love Chow Yun Fat... He is my man. Foreva.

(Yes, I know I'm a slut. Leave me alone!)

There Was A Post Here But I Deleted It

I feel really really shit and I have decided to go for the anti-depressants because I cannot take this anymore. I only have 4 counselling sessions left, which I have to save for these types of situations, so I am booking one for soon, but I am never going to solve my problems like this. I don't know what the anti-deps will do, but it is worth a try and to be honest, the post I deleted scared even me.
Thank you everyone for your support, and Wench, I am sorry.

While I was writing the previous post Mr. G. started talking to me on msn. I have been thinking lately that talking to him is probably not doing me much good, but that doesn't mean I want to stop talking to him. Basically, what I want is for him to know exactly what I am feeling right now and to be perfect and make me feel better, when I know that all he can do right now is make me feel worse because he doesn't want to be my boyfriend.
I told him I didn't know whether it was a good idea for me to be talking to him, and he then said he respected that and that he would leave me alone. Then he said 'bye' and left. I cried. I know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I don't want to accept it. I want him to be secretly planning how to get back together with me, and to be planning some ridiculously romantic getting-back-together plan of action. But he doesn't even mind whether he talks to me or not. It hurts it hurts it hurts. And it hurts even more when I think about how little I like myself and why I feel someone else needs to fill that gap for me.
I wish I could go home and go to the beach. Or even that I could afford to take the train to the nearest beach here. I want to go see my grandmother and let her take care of me for a little while, go to the sea with her and make caramel puddings. Just let someone take care of me and tell me everything is ok. But as it stands now, I don't even have enough money to go home for my birthday, and I'm not sure I have the energy, either. Christmas was so hectic I promised myself not to go through that again, and if I did go home (and there, the Switzerland/Holland debate kicks in), I would just feel guilty if I didn't see my entire family and my friends.
I think I will just try to distract myself with some work. Too bad I've read all the books for this week and I just have an article for Theory left to do.

Disclaimer: I know all of you care about me and are doing your best to make me feel better, but I think right now I am just not able to take it in. Don't stop caring about me, please, but have some patience with me. I don't know how or when I will sort it out, but I am hoping I will manage it at some point.

If I Were Rich

• I would be able to finish my MA without having to ask my parents for more money
• I would be able to buy my own place which NO ONE ELSE would be allowed to live or make mess or make noise
• I would hire a cook to make me lovely food every day
• I would pay for my family and friends to come visit me lots
• I would be able to go to all the plays, musicals and concerts I want to see
• I would get a cat
• I would be able to afford a t.v. and the licence fee
• I would get driving lessons and a pootiful car to take them in
• I would get a personal trainer and get fit
• I would buy all the clothes I want
• I would actually spend money in Accesorize on bags (pause to wipe drool off laptop)
• I would be able to pay for therapy so I didn't have to limit my visits to 6 times
• I would buy all the shoes I want

• I would still be me (trying to see this as a positive point)
• I would still feel shit about Mr. G.
• I would still miss being around my family and knowing what their life is like
• I would still think I'm never going to meet that perfect guy
• I would only be marginally happier (because no money problems would be a nice change for once)