Merel-y Merel

Awesome Lady - The Battle of Boredom

2008-12-04T19:13:00.004Z

Awesome Lady walked into her home and flopped down on her Awesome Sofa. It had been a regular sofa to being with, but after an especially brutal fight, the Fluffinator had had to put some extra stuffing into it, so that now it was the most comfortable, lovely, and, well, Awesome Sofa in the world.
Awesome Lady looked around her and sighed. Her living room was sparkling. She looked behind her into her bedroom, which, too, was sparkling. She looked through the door in front of her to see that her bathroom and kitchen, too, were cleaner than they had ever been. Due to her rather particular upbringing, Awesome Lady's house never had time to grow dirty even when crime-fighting was at its peak, which, incidentally, it wasn't right now. In fact, it hadn' t even come anywhere close to peak-ish. Awesome Lady was bored. So bored she considered, very briefly, 'accidentally' letting one or two notorious bandits free. Of course, her innate sense of justice wouldn't allow her, so she turned on the t.v. and zapped her way through exactly 48 channels of reality shows, sports, rubbish films and weather reports before grunting angrily and turning the t.v. off again.
Awesome Lady lay down and dozed off for a bit, and all of a sudden she found herself dreaming of the stranger she had met after her horrible fight with Shevila. The Fiendess had never showed up again, and although Awesome Lady was generally too busy to worry about anything but enemies that were right in front of her, it had been so quiet lately that her mind had been occupied almost wholly with that very strange night not so long ago. She dreamt now that she was back on the roof of the Cathedral, and she was watching the stranger and the Many-Named Serpentess fight. Their fight was unlike anything she had ever seen before. Awesome Lady had fought terrible fights that were harsh and cruel and made her bring out a savageness she rarely experienced, but she had never witnessed, let alone fought, a battle so beautiful and energetic. Although it was obviously a terrible fight, the beauty/ugliness of the She-Devil and the beauty and nobility of the stranger made a terrifyingly mesmerising match. Their combined energies (for there was no doubt that in their fight, they became an almost inseperable unity) shed a light that hypnotised Awesome Lady, and in spite of her brain calling out her duty to help the tiger-like stranger, she sat down and watched the fight.
After what seemed a century, the two broke apart and Shevila scampered off into the night. The stranger fell down on the floor, and with a cry of distress and worry, Awesome Lady ran to him. She knelt beside him and checked that he was breathing, which he was, lay down next to him and embraced him. They stayed like that for a while, and then the man woke up, smiling. As soon as he saw Awesome Lady, he looked distressed and jumped up. 'You shouldn't be here!' the stranger yelled, pushing an astounded Awesome Lady from his arms. Too surprised to say or do anything, Awesome Lady looked pleadingly at the handsome stranger. 'I don't know how you got her, but you need to leave. This place is not safe, and you shouldn't have come back here. Please, leave now and don't come back!' Awesome Lady tried to speak as she felt herself slowly waking up. She willed herself to keep sleeping, but it was all in vain, and as she woke up she heard the stranger say just a few more words 'Be careful... Your future...'

ANTM Is An Awesome Show

2008-05-26T19:17:00.002+01:00

But that is really a side note to let you know what I am watching on tv at the moment, the real news is that I am moving to Holland in three weeks. In fact, three weeks from now I will be living at my mother's, where I will stay two weeks before I move into... a houseboat!!!
I will be living in the 'roef' which is a little extra apartment (for apartment read room) at the front of my aunt and uncle's houseboat. I have seen pictures today and apart from learning that the girl who lives there now is very good at creating mess, I now also know I am going to have a very cute place to live in.
Hopefully I will be able to update you regularly on how everything is going, because it would be nice to have a place where all my lovely friends in the UK and wherever else they live, how my life back in good old Dutchland is going.
Here's the plan:
1) pack
2) get Dougie checked out and get a health certificate
3) move with the help of my stepdad
4) find a job
5) move to the boat!!!
6) come visit the UK lots
Gotta go now, phoning my mother to go through the plans!

Maybe He Does Exist In Real Life...

2007-11-29T21:08:00.000Z

I met a man today who had all of the following qualities:

big and muscly (and wearing a rugby top to emphasise it)
sexy
longish hair
perfect-looking on a motorbike (in my head, anyway)
very happy and nice
undoubtedly good with children (pelicula!)

and the best thing, his job was an being an undercover policeman (not at a school, tho)

I think I may have found Doug Penhall in the flesh, and I'm in love :)

I Have Good Logic (No, Really)

2007-11-13T21:21:00.000Z

The idea is that as soon as you stop looking for a man (partner, whatever you are into) in your life, you find them.
So here's what I've been doing: I am desperately hoping to get fed up looking (and helping a good deal by going on extremely dull dates), so I can finally meet someone...

The person of good logic, that's me.

It's Not Easy Being Sort-Of-Grey-ish

2007-11-11T20:59:00.000Z

She took me aways from my brothers and sisters and put me in a house all of my own. It has see through walls on one side, and I can see her move. Most of the times she is not there and I don't know where she goes, maybe she does not exist those times. It is perfectly possible that she exists solely to feed me and clean my house. My house gets quite dirty, but it is mainly the food's fault. I am tidy and poo in the same place. Except that one time when she put something there to prevent me, I had to poo in a different place that day.
There is water and salad in this house, but no friends I can play with. Every night when she comes to feed me she takes me out first, and when she cleans my house I have to come out, too, and she holds me tight. I want to explore the rest of the world, the grey and white and brown outside my house, but she gets nervous when I do. I don't mind when she picks me up, but I like being in my house better. She is very big and sometimes I am scared.
She talks a lot. I do not understand her, but she doesn't seem to mind. Sometimes she makes the ceiling make noises, and sometimes I like them but sometimes I don't and then I hide behind my bark. The food hides in the bark sometimes, but usually I catch it and eat it before it does.
I hide behind the bark sometimes as well when I don't want her to pick me up, but she is very strong and she picks up the bark and moves it to the other end of my house. It is very warm on the other side of my house, I like it but sometimes I have to hide behind the bark because it is too hot.

She has boxes with food, so I think she is nice, but I am not sure, she might stop at any point and then what will I do?

Awesome Sign In Starbucks

2007-11-10T20:08:00.000Z

While waiting for a date to show up (which he didn't because his internet broke and he didn't get to read my email in time) I was in Starbucks getting a Chai Tea Latte. A sign on the cake counter said:

IF YOU WOULD
LIKE ANY OFF
FOOD DISPLAYED ON
LABLE PLEASE ASKED
DISPLAY CABINET NOT
WORKING

It actually took me quite a while to figure out, I thought they were offering out-of-date food...

In other news, I am very busy at work and fed up with being single.

The Hiatus Has Hended

2007-09-20T22:56:00.000+01:00

I'm lying on my new bed, in my new room, in my new house, listening to an old CD on my ancient stereo. I have finally got some time to post again, after some crazily hectic weeks of my new job and the living very far away from it. I now live halfway between work and Town Centre, and near a huge Sainsbury's (look who's poshed up!) which also houses a bus stop for the bus that takes me straight to work in the morning... Life is looking up.
My new room is in a house I share with three boys (EW)... But they are nice boys and... we have Sky tv and highspeed internet... Oh yeah, did I mention they are geekboys? Most awesome, as it mean they have a lot of DVDs of films I like, and if anything is wrong computerwise, they will be able to help me out.
In other news, I am getting a Bearded Dragon soon. They are a type of lizard and extremely cute, and mine is going to be called Gregory. He is moving in on Sunday, which will also be when the first pictures (of many, many, many pictures) will be posted. Love him, as he is my surrogate baby.
I have lately been starting to feel very lonely and broody at the same time. I want a nice boyfriend to cuddle up to, and a cute baby to spoil. The boyfriend is obviously a more serious wish than the baby at the moment, but still... I would love to be settled somewhere with someone, and not feel so much like a student, always on the move. I have even thought about moving back to Holland, but that will probably not happen for a long time. I mean, at the moment I don't even have the money to take the train to Birmingham, let alone for the fare to Amsterdam... I miss my family, and am feeling a bit down because all around me relationships are (on the verge of) breaking up and all I want is to meet a nice boy...
Ah well, at least I will have Gregory to cuddle soon!

Sleepy Merel

2007-08-19T20:59:00.000+01:00

Hello all of you sweeties,

I am so sorry about being lame in my updating, but I don't really have much to say...
Okay, I lie, I have lots to say, I am just too tired/lazy to say it! I haven't even got time to do my washing up, let alone post on this thing!
All is going well, I am very busy with work and seeing my friends and trying to get enough sleep and nutrients. I have a place to live for when I need to move out of this place, which is nice!
I have also finally decided to drop out of my MA. I am not able to write the essays, and unless I can hand in a piece of art or a mindmap or something I will never be able to finish the MA properly. I loved the classes and the course has taught me a lot about how to read and think, but I am just no longer able to write well. Or even write at all. (This is also another reason for me not updating much.) Sorry mama.
In other news, I am seeing a very nice man at the moment, who makes my tummy go all funny and who makes me very happy and nervous at the same time... We had a bit of a rocky start, but now we are having fun and enjoying ourselves, and all is good in the Land Of Merel.

Other news will follow, if late and in a lame way.

Big kisses to all of you!

Exciting Life At The Office

2007-08-07T11:53:00.000+01:00

Today Blondie (my lovely crazy colleague) and I spent some time choosing linguists to date/marry. There is a really nice man who is unfortunately married... And another one who isn't and is really pretty, and then there is one who is both pretty and already speaks Dutch, so wahey!
Blondie and I are the only single girls in the Operations Team who are in today, so we have been driving the others crazy with our 'who-is-our-future-linguist-husband game. you need to keep busy when bookings are slow!
But of course, I will keep my options open in case Mr. Sharkey is single...

Awesome Name Of The Day

2007-08-06T18:40:00.000+01:00

Mr Sharkey is the man I will marry. He sounds reasonably nice, he lives about 3 hours away, and I have never met him, but... I. Want. His. Name. NOW!

Awesome Name Of The Day: Thursday

2007-08-02T17:07:00.000+01:00

Minerva

I have just noticed this name on our system and think it is pootiful. My reputation at work is already one of a crazy, giggly person who loves names, and as my manager said today, I am addicted to names!

Name Of The Day: Wednesday

2007-08-01T17:37:00.000+01:00

Today's name is:

Rukiye Atak

Apart from wanting to call my fictional daughter Rukiye, I also love that fact that a woman called 'Atak' is the friendliest, gentlest, and sweetest woman I have talked to so far. She is a Turkish interpreter and she's said I should come visit her if I'm ever in the neighbourhood, which I am planning to do cos she sounds awesome. (By the way, my use of the word 'awesome' has become an office in-joke by now, everyone thinks it's hilarious and they even suggested that my piece of text in the company flyer should say 'you are awesome', which I actually think is quite a good idea.)

Also, yesterday's name, Chaidanai, is a lovely lady who I found in our archives. We had never used her before, but I dug her out and now I keep calling her if I need a Thai interpreter, and she's more that willing to do the work. It is weird how thankful some linguists can be for jobs, when I am just happy they're not yelling at me for more money!

From now on though, I will only use parts of names and try not to tell you anything specifically about the people, because it occured to me that they might not want to be on this blog... And also, I don't want to talk just about the people I like! (joke, everyone's been nice so far, that's why I love my job!)

Awesome Name Of The Day: Tuesday

2007-07-31T21:28:00.000+01:00

Today I came up with a new idea for my blog, which should keep me updating regularly. Look at the title for explanation, and here we go:

Chaidanai Suwanpairoj (woman)

SORRY!!!

2007-07-30T17:52:00.000+01:00

I keep having ideas for posts, and I am experiencing lots of interesting/funny/weird things, but I just don't have time to blog about them! I am at work all day, then at home or with friends, and weekend I spent this weekend in Southampton...
I am hardly ever on the internet anymore, but I haven't forgotten this lovely place! I will hopefully settle a bit more soon, and then I can write some more posts to keep you guys updated.
Sorry for being lame :(

Ms Rowling, I Salute You!

2007-07-22T15:45:00.000+01:00

I won't give anything away for those of you who haven't read it yet, but I have just finished Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows and it was most awesome. I cried A LOT, but am happy to say that the whole Snape-thing, which I was very anxious about, is all explained to my satisfaction, and kind of in the way I thought it was going to be explained, so I feel smart now!
Also, I am happy to say that my favourite Weasly man survives without too much harm.
Now I am going to eat pizza and bask in Potter afterglow.

The Sleep Has Taken Hold Of Me

2007-07-17T20:52:00.000+01:00

So, I have this new plan, made up today: I don't spend any time on the internet in the evening, but instead make dinner, read and just generally relax. I can use the internet at work during my lunch hour, and it is just so much more relaxing to read a good book than to be staring at a screen all day.
But then I tried to read my new book and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I literally cannot concentrate on any of the words, and I don't think I can go to sleep yet as it is only 9 and last night I went to sleep around quarter to 10 and it was so hard to get up this morning...
So, what to do? Watching Dr. Who gives me weird dreams, and if I prepare for bed and lie down in it, I will fall asleep.
In other news: I really love my job. I never thought you could even like a job, but I really love my job, it is totally worth the travelling and getting up early for. Once I move into the West of Reading I should be able to sleep in a bit longer in the mornings and be home quicker in the evening, so all will be well.
Well, I'm off to try and entertain myself for an hour or so. Toodlepip!

No Magic For Me!

2007-07-15T18:25:00.000+01:00

I've just come back from a pointless walk into town. Actually, to be completely truthful, I have just come out of the shower because it is really damp and warm outside and I walked quickly. I wanted to go see Harry Potter, but as I was warned by the Lovely Leni, it was full. And I can't go to the later showing because I need to get up at 6 tomorrow. That's in less than 12 hours, eep!
Other than that I do have some news but lately I have been feeling completely uninspired for posts, and end up just writing down dullness.
See you later, hopefully with fun work-gossip.

Unemployed No More

2007-07-10T22:42:00.003+01:00

I have a job! And I start Thursday! I have to get up at 6! The job is really fun!

Another Update On The Father- Situation

2007-07-07T18:22:00.000+01:00

I wrote the email, he came over to see me, we talked, I thought we would be okay, he stayed over, we went into town to catch a train to London, we had a big fight in the station, he went to London, I went to the Catwoman's, crying all the way there as while talking to my mum on the phone.
I'm taking a break from him. Hurts, but not as much as hearing him criticise my personality, life choices, and body. Funnily enough, it's made it easier for me to talk to my older brother - we have the same issues, after all.
Everybody's saying it will be okay in the end, but right now, I don't even care, I'm so angry with him. He's taken too much and given too little, and I have finally reached my limit.

To Explain What Has Been Going On Between My Father And I, Here Is A Correspondence Between Me And A Friend

2007-07-06T09:50:00.001+01:00

Hey Queen Mushroom,

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck when you see your Dad tomorrow. I know it will be tough but good for you for trying one more time to make him see how you feel. That takes real guts and whatever happens you should be proud of yourself for that. Remember to keep things on your terms because you are the most important person in the equation. Hopefully, you will give him something to think about at least.

If not, and he does reject you, at least you know you have your mum's and the rest of your family's support and it's his loss if he chooses to be so short sighted that he can't see how you've matured and what a cool daughter he has. You've managed without him before and you will again because you are a much stronger and different person now.

Take truckloads of care, I shall be thinking of you, Don't forget that if he starts lecturing you, a quick kick in his willy will soon shut him up!!!!

An Awesome Friend.

Hi Awesome Friend,

thank you so much for thinking of me - unfortunately, I have bad news.

My father and I talked on the phone twice yesterday, the first time he hung up on me because I was being dramatic about unimportant things (I asked him, why, if he wanted to see me so much, he couldn't come over to Reading on Friday evening instead of making me come to London after what would have been my trial day at work. and I did so in a very calm fashion, not even a wobble in my voice, but a strong Queen Mushroom-voice). I mean, he hung up on me, what is he, twelve? So I went to my housemate's room and cried to her (I had been talking to her about my dad while we went shopping that day), then talked to my mum on the phone, who was supportive and said I should just try to forget about it, but pick up the phone if he tried to phone again in case we could still work it out.

So, when he phoned again, I thought he might be phoning to apologise or explain things and work things out, but he then fed me the 'being dramatic over unimportant things' line, and I tried to explain that obviously, it was important to me if I was making a point of it, and that I wasn't being dramatic at all. He then told me, in his best guilt-giving voice, that I had really worried him and my stepmum back in March, and that they really were worried and upset about the whole thing and that I needed to take that into account while refusing to come to London on Friday evening (by then, the trial day had been moved to Tuesday, but damned if I was going to tell him that). I was so upset by him making my depression and wish to commit suicide about himself, but I tried to explain that in no way was this about him, or even remotely 'my fault' for hurting him, and then I thought 'why even try to explain?' so I hung up on him. Two can play his game. (I then went to Catwoman's to talk to her about it)

So, I have given up. I am going to write him an email explaining I do no want to talk/email/write with him anymore, and that right now, if he doesn't leave me alone, I will just have to ignore him, for the sake of my own sanity. It hurts so much to have to do this, but right now, I see no other way out - we are never going to see each other's side (but seriously, he should be happy I'm happy again, not telling me how much I hurt him by having a depression!), and right now I will just be happier if I don't have any contact with him. So now I am going out tonight with Catwoman and the gays after all, and spending Saturday pottering about the house doing nothing. Seriously, I have given up on my dad, and that's both quite sad and very liberating. Now I just have to write him that email...

Love,

Queen Mushroom.

I Am Too Pissed Off To Write So Here's What's Going On In Bullet Points:

2007-07-05T19:39:00.000+01:00

My dad's an asshole
The trial day has been moved to Tuesday
I bought two lovely new bras today
The Irish man is still nice and I am seeing him again on Sunday
I bought a new skirt today - size 14!!!
Repetition creates emphasis
My dad's really an asshole

Update From The World Of Me

2007-07-04T21:27:00.000+01:00

I apologise ahead of time if this post is completely incomprihensible, but I've just woken up from an impromptu nap and am planning to go back to sleep after I have written this (and not waking up until tomorrow afternoon).
I had another interview at the translation place today, and really liked the people and the people liked me! I have been invited for a trial day this friday, and am starting Monday if they like what I do and I like the job. YAY! Taking the bus there is definitely more fun, but I am going to have to get up at 6:15 at the latest to get there on time every day.
Three more good things about the guy I went on a date with:
- his eyes (piercing blue)
- his accent (Irish)
- he texted me to ask how the interview went
But you know, I'm not falling for him or anything. He's just very nice. :)

Grrrrr

2007-07-04T06:15:00.000+01:00

I did not sleep all night. And by not sleep, I mean NOT SLEEP!! None! Nada! Zilch! Just lay awake in bed, wondering when I was going to fall asleep. I may have dozed off around 4 in the morning, but no actual sleeping was done! WHAT THE FUCK???????? I have a job interview today! I need a job! Stupid stupid stupid stupid.
At least I had a nice date to think about.

Date Night

2007-07-03T23:02:00.000+01:00

Three good things about the guy I went on a date with tonight:

- he loves Back To The Future
- he's a cat person
- he doesn't like Star Wars but loves Star Trek

And yes, I will see him again.

Jobs

2007-07-02T18:16:00.000+01:00

When I went to bed last night, I had a bit of a sore throat, but I thought I would wake up today feeling much better. I would go to Tesco, get nice food in, and then just be generally useful throughout the day.
It wasn't meant to be. I woke up with a dry mouth and unable to swallow because my throat hurt so much. I stayed in bed all day drinking lots of tea, water and orange juice, and I feel much better now. However, I have just taken a shower and got dressed because I have to help the Catwoman and Friends move tonight, and I am exhausted. So, if I get this tired from showering and dressing, how many boxes will I be able to lift? Maybe I can just carry all the dvds one by one, yeah, that sounds like a good idea. They are only moving three doors down, so I am hoping I will survive (and apparently, there's fish and chips at the end of it, so that should be able to keep my spirits up!).
In other news, I had a phone call today from the temp agency I am with saying the company which didn't want me to be a Translation Project Co-ordinator (not enough experience/confidence and not the right personality) or a Receptionist (don't own a car), now wants me to interview for Interpretation Project Co-ordinator. I am confused because it sounds exactly like the TPC job they didn't want me for, but if I get a job out of it, I'm not really going to complain.
Also, I have handed in an application form at Waterstones, so if they both want me, I'll feel so wanted! And torn, because I have no idea which job would be more fun. I guess I'll have to go for the one that pays more! Hehe.

Odd

2007-07-01T18:03:00.000+01:00

I am bored, so I had a look at the instant short messages on my phone. One of them is: 'What is your number?' Why would you text someone to ask them their number? Weirdos.

Je Suis Desolee

2007-07-01T16:00:00.000+01:00

There are things going on in my life, but lately I haven't really been feeling the need to put them on here (also, they aren't very interesting). I have hopes to get a job at Waterstones (think good thoughts for me!), there is a slight chance of a new guy in my life (very slight, though, so I'm not really getting my hopes up) which I will blog about if it becomes a bigger chance, and I am almost completely out of money. Other than that, I am working on some stories and trying to get some essays done, and I am generally enjoying life. So, for now, not much to tell, but I will give you this:

THE ONE WORD MEME

1. Where is your mobile phone? Desk.
2. Relationship? Maybe...
3. Your hair? Smelly.
4. Work? PLEASE!!!
5. Your sister(s)? Boys.
6. Your favourite thing? Books.
7. Your dream last night? Dull.
8. Your favourite drink? Tea.
9. Your dream car? Jaguar.
10. The room you're in? Pretty.
11. Your shoes? Many.
12. Your fears? Zombies.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive.
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Friends.
15. What are you not good at? Silence.
16. Muffin? Yum.
17. Wish list item? iPod.
18. Where you grew up? Amsterdam.
19. The last thing you did? Write.
20. What are you wearing? Cotton.
21. What are you not wearing? Hat.
22. Your pet? Pretend Cat. (Don't tell anyone I cheated!)
23. Your computer? Slow.
24. Your life? Awesome.
25. Your mood? Happy.
26. Missing? Job.
27. What are you thinking about? Family.
28. Your car? Legs.
29. Your kitchen? Blegh.
30. Your summer? Rainy.
31. Your favourite colour? Blue.
32. Last time you laughed? Yesterday.
33. Last time you cried? Friday.
34. School? Done-ish.
35. Love? Scary.

Pffff, that was hard!

I Wanna Be Friends With Teen Girl #2

2007-07-01T14:58:00.000+01:00

Teen Girl #1 (to friend eating a chocolate bar): That is going straight to your hips.

Teen Girl #2: GOOD!

(from overheardinminneapolis.com)

Why I Couldn't Be A Hermit

2007-06-25T17:49:00.000+01:00

I haven't been around people for quite a while now (since Tuesday night), and I can really feel the effects. I need some structure, I need some human contact! I have obviously not been all alone, but I haven't been with any of my friends, either, and I'm really not feeling happy. I mean, I can cope, I am doing much better than when I had my depression, but this is just wrong.
The Catwoman and her housemates are coming back from Glastonbury today, but they will be tired and probably not in the mood for company, so I have at least another day or two to go on my own. I know I cannot work when I am in a mood like this, nothing really helps, I just need to get through it I guess. Eurgh.

Five Things You Don't Know About Me

2007-06-25T12:33:00.000+01:00

Whenever I read lists on other people's blogs, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to join in the list-making fun. It's the same urge I get when someone puts a questionnaire in front of me: I simple have to fill it out. It's a sad thing for the telemarketing people that I have no landline phone... In any case, the most intriguing list I want to join in on is the '10 things you don't know about me' ones. Problem is, there isn't much people who know me do not know about me. I talk a lot, and I have almost no secrets from anyone (and the ones I do have, I certainly have no intention of putting on the internet), and so a list of 10 (TEN!!!!) things my friends might not know about me is a really, really (REALLY) tough task for me.

So how about a list of 5 secrets? I have been thinking about this for a very long time (ever since I saw one of those lists on someone else's blog), and even 5 secrets is way too hard for me to do. Apart from the fact that my mother reads this blog, and she knows almost more about me than I do myself, I just am not a person to keep secrets from anyone. Even when other people tell me their secrets, there is a big chance I will tell someone. In my defence, it is always someone who either doesn't know the person involved or will never meet them, but still - if you want someone to be your secret keeper, it had better not be me. (Though I do love hearing your secrets - as long as you're okay with some complete stranger knowing them, too)

But I still want to make a list. So I came up with a list-category of my own: 5 Things You Probably Know About Me But Only I (And Some Other People Very Close To Me) Am Allowed To Make Fun Of. So, basically, it's a list of things I think are odd about me, but fun enough to blog about. Feel free to make suggestions for better lists, or to not read any lists I ever post, or to tell me to stop writing lists and get back to Awesome Lady, dammit!!* So, here goes:

5 Things You Probably Know About Me But Only I (And Some Other People Very Close To Me) Am Allowed To Make Fun Of

I have the tendency to get infatuations with 2-Dimensional characters. And I am very loyal - some of these, I have been 'in love' with since I was a very little girl, and they will never be evicted from that special place in my heart. Examples: Lucky Luke, The leader of the Biker Mice From Mars, Vegeta and Piccolo from Dragonball Z. (On a side note, apparently, people (don't ask me who) are using the Simpsons to teach kids about Christian values - weird much?)
I have been afraid of the underwater and anything that lives in it since I can remember, and although I can now watch about 5 minutes of underwater documentaries, I don't think I will ever manage Jaws (or even March of the Penguins). This fear is so profound that I can be in the shower after having seen something sub-aqua-ish (real word!) on TV, and have to keep looking behind the shower curtain to see if there are any sharks, etc, swimming in the bathroom. Do not, under any circumstances, take me to an aquarium, not even if I foolishly volunteer to go. (Unless there are Manatees in the aquarium - more on that later)
I love the beach. Absolutely LOVE it. But only really if it is raining, cold and miserable. I mean, I can spend time on the beach when it is sunny and warm, but I won't have as good a time as when it is, say, so cold you have to wear at least three coats and 2 pairs of gloves. Rain is a must. Drizzle is an acceptable substitute.
I do not like to walk, unless in very rare circumstances. Most people think I am just plain lazy or stubborn, but walking really hurts my legs and feet (as does standing still for more than 5 minutes). Shopping, although I like it, is torture for my legs, and the only reason I hate going to museums is because the slow walking with many, many pauses to stand in front of something you like looking at, kills my legs. Seriously, the day after I've been shopping or in a museum (and trust me, I do like museums in theory - I just wish they could wheel the things past me as I sit in a nice chair) is almost always spent doing as little walking, and as much lying down and sitting as possible. Walking with a purpose is different (I don't mind walking into town, for example), but aimlessly wandering, or even hiking in nature, is not on.
And, finally, I love Manatees. They rule. The Zoo in Amsterdam does not have them anymore. When I was in the Zoo in London I didn't see any. Where are the Manatees???

*I have got some ideas, but my creative juices are a bit dried out at the moment - sorry!

Wuckfit

2007-06-24T16:49:00.000+01:00

In case you hadn't yet gathered this, my relationship with my father is an extremely difficult one. He basically does and says whatever he wants, and I get upset by him. At least, that's how it has always been. I have been working really hard on growing away from the idea that I need to depend on my parents, and while my mother has been extremely helpful in this process, my father has been less than useless. I was told by a friend that I cannot change him, only how I react to him, and I realised myself that I cannot simultaneously want him to change and for him to stop wanting to change me. Today was a bit of a test for these theories that I am trying to live my life by, as my father phoned me to talk about what we were doing when he comes to the UK in two weeks.
Now you might be thinking he is coming to the UK to visit his only daughter, but there you would be wrong. He has some work stuff to do, and I am summoned to come for some 'quality' father-daughter time.* So I am happy to come see him, as he is my father and quite a nice one when he wants to be, but am also quite nervous about implementing the new 'father-method'.
When he phoned me today, we talked a bit about my job interview and what I plan to do with my life in the next few months (there was very little butting-in on his side, which is always a nice surprise), and then we agreed to meet on the Saturday morning at his hotel. The initial plan was to meet up Friday night, but he had since made plans for that evening, so I would just spend the weekend with him. Or so I thought.
I was already a bit suspicious when he said my stepmother would be there too (although I am not really complaining; it is their anniversary weekend after all), and that I could stay in his hotel room (they would stay with friends that night anyways) if I wanted to spend my Sunday exploring London. Ah, the predictability of an unpredictable father...
When we had stopped talking (which was quite soon, I guess he had other things to do) I read the email he said he'd sent me earlier in the day, and it all became clear. Apparently, he is spending Saturday evening and all of Sunday with my stepmother, but we can have tea together on Saturday. Well, woohoo.
I am really trying not to be upset about this, and I am succeeding only because I am venting my bitterness here. I'm sorry. I am dealing with it better than I ever have before, but it is still a disappointment to have a father who is so obviously oblivious to the hurt he causes in his family.

*Please don't mind the bitter tone of this post - I need to get it out of my system, and no one is picking up their phones.

Such A Let-Down

2007-06-23T22:03:00.000+01:00

I have been sorted out by my German housemate (no, nothing exciting I'm afraid): I now have legal internet! And also know that one of them definitely isn't gay. Sigh, such a disappointment...

It Is With Regret That I Inform You About The Passing Away Of My Stolen Internet Connection

2007-06-22T15:10:00.001+01:00

Yes, yes, yes, I know I haven't been updating very much, and certainly not with anything interesting, but I have no internet and sitting in the IT centre makes me want to leave AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, it makes me uncomfortable.
Good news is that I am feeling very content with my life and myself, everything has finally fallen into place and now I just need to sort out the practicalities of my life. I had my last counselling session today, and my first job interview yesterday! I will know next week if I am going to be a full-time receptionist for a translating company, something that sounds like quite a lot of fun to me, and if it's now, I can always look for another job!
I don't know how things are with my course right now, I have had a meeting about my essay (STILL not done) and have some things sorted out, but I don't know whether the university will accept my lack of being able to work. I should be on the right track now, though, so I'll keep you posted (sort of...).
More good news: I have enough money to pay my rent!! BIG CHEER!! Gonna go off and pay it as soon as I am finished in here! Now for a job so I can buy food and pay off my (not very big) debts.

I Am A SIlly Person

2007-06-18T22:15:00.001+01:00

I've just cancelled my bi-weekly organic vegetable box because I really cannot afford it anymore, and when my account was closed, I felt a wave of sadness... Weird.
Tomorrow the jobhunt starts, so wish me luck. First a job, then a house... It's going to be hard being a proper adult!

Back In The USSR

2007-06-16T17:20:00.000+01:00

Hello peoples,

I'M BACK!!!!!!!

and extremely tired... not gonna post much today. Might go see POTC 3 if I can manage to walk into town.

I am going to try to post more stories and Awesome Lady episodes, so just have patience and I will write something again soon.

Love to all of you,

Q. M.

Ridiculous

2007-06-11T19:54:00.000+01:00

It is the 11th of June and no June-posts have been posted yet on this here blog! Sorry, I do have loads to tell you but I am having too much fun right now to do any writing. See you soon, peoples.

I Am Happy

2007-05-30T19:10:00.000+01:00

Life is good when you're in Friesland and the sun is shining brightly. Having a most awesome time, and all of you who read this who actually know me in real life (except my mum) should be expecting a card soon! Not much to say at the moment, just that life is good.

I Might Be Gone For A While

2007-05-28T13:35:00.000+01:00

Hello dear Blog readers,

I am sat at my mother's computer trying to come up with a nice way of saying I won't be around much the coming 3 weeks. I am going to my grandparents' place in Friesland (have I told you guys this already? I am seriously in need of a memory upgrade), and I think they might not have broadband so my net-time will be limited. Don't worry, I'll send you guys a nice postcard of a cow (my grandad undoubtedly has a scanner (all the men in my mother's side of the family are techno/gadget obsessed) so it shouldn't be too much of a problem), and if I meet a handsome Fresian farmer you guys will be, well, not the first, but at the most the third of fourth to know!

see you all at a not-too-far-yet-unspecified-time,

Q.M.

PS: I have a new reader! Someone who doesn't actually know me in real life! I'm so excited about it! Welcome!!
PS2: I seem to be almost unable to write a sentence without it ending in an exclamation mark lately, sorry about that!

Why The Princess Was Happy She Wasn't Going Out With The Crab Anymore (Or; I Am Sorry For Using Such A Bad Joke As My Title, But It Fits So Well!)

2007-05-25T19:57:00.000+01:00

The Beautiful Princess is walking along an extremely pretty beach. The sun is shining, the sand is hot, and the tide is going down. The Beautiful Princess decides to sit down for a while to enjoy her surroundings. As time passes, more of the sea disappears, and finally it reveals a big crab sitting on the wet part of the beach.

CRAB: Hello
B.P.: Oh, hello Crab, I didn't see you there.
CRAB: Oh, that's okay, you looked quite busy anyway.
B.P.: Well, I have some time to talk, if you would like to.
CRAB: Great. So, how are you?
B.P.: I am actually doing great, I mean, I managed to slay that pesky dragon that was bothering me so much at the castle, and I am really proud of it! It takes some getting used to finally living in such a calm and smoke-free castle, but it is really nice! How are you?
CRAB: Uh-huh. I am really busy right now, you know, just one week left in crab-fishing season, busy dodging those nets! I can tell you right now, you can't imagine how stressful it is, and I never seem to manage to find a hiding place in time! I have been truly stressed for the past few months, and the last week is always the worst!
B.P.: Well, at least you know it's going to be over soon!
CRAB: I don't know, it just makes it worse, you know, having to figure out what to do after the season ends, trying to dodge those nets, and you know, the last week is always the worst!
B.P.: I'm sure you'll be able to do it, you are the Dodging King, aren't you?
CRAB (puffs up slightly): Well, yes, I mean, you know, that's true, but still... You shouldn't underestimate the stress I am under! (in an off-hand way) Oh by the way, I got that message in a bottle you sent me, about the dragon and how we broke up and stuff.
B.P. (slightly annoyed): Oh, right, okay. Well, you know, I feel so much better now, I was worried you weren't answering because you were angry with me or something.
CRAB: Oh no, no, just, busy, you know?
B.P.: Yes, I see. Well, you know, I felt I just wanted to explain some things to you, and I was really close to slaying the dragon, so I thought it was the right time to-
CRAB: So, you notice anything different about me?
B.P. (very annoyed now): Ehm, no, what is it?
CRAB (triumphantly): I got my hair done!
B.P.: Oh, right, yes, it's, ehm, red. Looks very, ehm, different from what you used to have.
CRAB: I know! I mean, I always had a bit of red, but you know, this is proper red! And I just feel so happy with it! And you know, with all this net-dodging I've been so busy I am really losing weight and I feel much better about myself! I mean, you know, I have lost a bit of weight, but I guess I just need to keep it up and maybe...
B.P.: Yes, if you just keep it up I am sure you will lose loads more, and it is healthy to keep moving, anyways. Just take it one step at a time, you know? You'll see the results in the end.
CRAB: Yeah, yeah, I guess so! I mean, you know, I really want to lose some more weight, so I am just going to pretend there's nets there, and I'll be dodging them! Ha! Ha! Ha!
B.P.: Heh. Yeh. Good for you.
CRAB: Yes, and I am so happy with my new hairdo! And you know, I am just feeling so much better with all the exercise.
B.P.: Yes, you must! I am still quite exhausted from slaying that huge dragon, but when I have had a bit of a rest I will get back to doing some exercise myself!
CRAB: Ha! Ha! Yeh, exercise is really dull but I feel really good doing it. You know, I already lost some weight. And I'm hardly eating with the stress! So that had me a bit worried. But I don't think I will eat tonight.
B.P.: It's probably better if you do.
CRAB: Hm, yes. Oh my God, I just managed to dodge the Lobster this morning, he is so annoying! Good grief. I think I saw him without his shell the other day, it was disgusting! You know, he is still so clingy! He keeps making pictures of me with his underwater-camera and stuff, it's well annoying.
B.P.: Yes, it must be. Well, anyways, I think I heard the dinner gong, so I'd better go!
CRAB: Oh, right yeah, well, I'd better get back into the sea! No use getting all dry and whatnot! Bye!
B.P. (walking away): Bye.

Heh.

2007-05-25T16:29:00.000+01:00

from overheardatmcgills.com:

Prof: So which country do you think has the highest suicide rate?

Guy: um, the Netherlands… like Norway and stuff

Essay Writing Is Difficult

2007-05-24T14:45:00.000+01:00

ARGH!!!! Just need to vent some steam here, because although I have good ideas for my essay, the words will not come out onto the computer screen. We have been thinking in such a different way from what I was used in undergrad, that where I used to be able to write a 5000 word essay in one day, I now struggle to get 500 in the same timeframe. I know the essay should turn out okay, and will maybe even be a good piece, but I hate that it is taking SO LONG! I am not used to working at this level of detail in my essays! Pfffff, back to work. Hoping to reach 1000 words today.

A Life Of One's Own

2007-05-22T12:58:00.000+01:00

I have spent the past few days first with my aunt in London and Reading, and then with Em in Southampton. I had a really good time, and I finally saw an English beach! More importantly, though, in the last week or so I have finally achieved what I have wanted to for about half my life.
I am happy with my life and who I am.
I have worked out my feelings about my parents and their divorce and handling of it, I have realised that I am quite nice-looking and a nice person as well, and I have started to take a much more active interest in my surroundings. I am even starting to seriously think about signing up for the gym/starting a dance/work-out class, after I come back from seeing my grandparents. And I am going to be handing in one of my essays before I leave on Saturday.
I wrote my mother a letter about my post on May the 10th, and we had a short conversation on the phone about it while I was in the British Museum with my aunt on Thursday. Basically, I am just so happy that my mum can let me be my own person and make my own choices in life without trying to run my life for me. I don't know whether my father and I will ever be able to talk openly about our relationship and past, but I have accepted that and have realised that I am the only person who can live my life, and I need to make myself happy, rather than just do what others expect of me. Still, I am happy that I am going to be able to have a good talk with my mother when I go home, and that she is willing to open up to (and for) me. Seriously, mama, it really means a lot to me.
Anyways, this post is seriously unstructured, but I just wanted to let you guys know that I am enjoying life again, and the backdrop of blackness and unhappiness that was in my mind for such a long time has finally gone. I actually like myself now, and I am really looking forward to living the life I am going to choose for myself.

I Need To Pee, But You Guys Are More Important

2007-05-22T12:50:00.000+01:00

So, I got a comment from 'just a visitor' saying it was about time I updated. I have two remarks to make about the comment:
- Someone I don't personally know reads my blog? Why???? Go do something fun instead! Or, if it is someone I know, why are they commenting anonymously? Both options kinda freak me out.
- I know I haven't been updating, but I have been busy lately! Today is the first day in a while that I actually have the time to post, and have something to say.
So there.

I'm Bored And You Must Suffer The Consequences

2007-05-12T17:30:00.000+01:00

1.How old will you be in five years?
28. Oh. My. God.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
No one, but I am going to a Eurovision party later tonight.
3. How tall are you?
Apparently, short for a Dutch person.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Going to stay with my grandparents.
5. What's the last movie you saw?
Mysterious Skin, last night. Very good, but very horrifying film about paedophilia.
6. Who was the last person you called?
Ehm, I don't tend to call people really. Probably the man at Empire Magazine to arrange my subscription.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
My mum
8. What was the last text message you received?
It was from the Catwoman about tonight's party.
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voice mail?
Most likely my ex's dad. I don't get a lot of voice mails, and he called me by accident thinking I was his son. Not awkward at all!!
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Text, but only cos I tend to have really long conversations and all the people I would have those with are abroad and I have no landline phone.
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Writing a letter to my mum.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
Divorced. For about 12 years now.
13. When is the last time you saw your mum?
Too long ago! The weekend before my birthday, she came to visit me and we had an awesome time.
14. What color are your eyes?
Brown.
15. What time did you wake up today?
Late. About 11. I have been having problems with falling asleep and waking up lately. I am tired, like, all the time.
16. What are you wearing right now?
My River Island jeans, a new blue top from Tesco, my birthday necklace and all the usual 'jewels'.
17. What is your favorite Christmas song?
'Hang Myself From The Tree' by Caesar. Tis most awesome.
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Most times, at my grandparents' place in the Friesland, which is in the north of The Netherlands.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Ehm, I have no idea. Probably Essex, but only for very personal reasons.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
On a round-the-world trip that lasts at least 5 years and stops in Holland for at least a month every year.
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
I have no idea. I can't plan that far ahead. Hopefully, somewhere that makes me happy.
22. Do you tan or burn?
Burn. Unlike my father and brothers, grrrrr.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Heh, this is gonna be a long list! Roald Dahl's witches, sharks, zombies, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, anything in any scary book or film I read or watched, and random scary men I dreamt of.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
A Garfield comic where Garfield tells a mouse to translate for him so Jon can understand him. He says 'Meow', the mouse says 'Squeak', Jon looks confused. Made me laugh. A LOT.
25. How many TVs do you have in your house?
I think one but I don't watch it because it is my housemate's and lives in her room.
26. How big is your bed?
Normal size for a single bed, I guess.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
A laptop. Which I paid for with hard-earned Homebase money!
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
I have an obsession with pyjamas. I LOVE pyjamas.
29. What color are your sheets?
White.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two.
31. What is your favorite season?
Probably Spring.
32. What do you like about fall?
The falling leaves and their colours. Walking through the dry leaves, making everything rustle.
33. What do you like about winter?
Loads! Snow, coldness, wearing big jumpers, scarves, gloves, Sinterklaas, and lots more.
34. What do you like about the summer?
Very little.
35. What do you like about Spring?
My birthday and wearing less clothes without having to expose too much flesh.
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Sheesh. Ehm, 4 I guess. North-Holland, Hessen, West-Midlands and Berkshire.
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Amsterdam, Frankfurt am Main, Coventry, Reading.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Bare feet.
39. Are you a social person?
Definitely, I love being around other people.
40. What was the last thing you ate?
An avocado.
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Difficult!!! Prezzo is nice, but so is that Turkish restaurant whose name I can't remember and the Medditeranean whose name I can't remember, and many more. I just like all restaurants except Chinese ones.
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
Ben & Jerry's Caramel Chew-Chew or Phishfood
43. What is your favorite dessert?
Pffffff, that's too hard a decision. I like almost every dessert ever made.
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
Hmmmmmm, any ones made by my mother or grandmothers.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
I HATE jam.
46. Do you like Chinese food?
Nope.
47. Do you like coffee?
With lots of milk, yes.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Ehm, not that many, I'm a tea drinker, really.
49. What do you drink in the morning?
Tea or juice.
50. What time do you usually go to bed?
Half past ten-ish, if I am home. If I am with other people, usually around midnight.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Not really, I kinda fill the whole thing.
52. Do you know how to play poker?
No. I have the least poker-face-like face ever.
53. Do you like to cuddle?
Yes! Very much so.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No, but I would love to go.
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
Probably, yes.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
At home. I am trying to force myself to make nice food for myself as part of my new loving-myself-regime. Also, I am poor.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Yes, two people actually. A girl I went to Drama School with and someone I went to uni with at Warwick. Also, Marlon Brando. But I don't really know him as such.
59. Do you want kids?
Right now, I'm not sure.
60. Do you speak any other languages?
I speak Dutch, German and English. And a little bit of French and some Russian phrases.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Yes, I was quite accident-prone as a child. Once, I had part of my mouth stitched up, and no, not because people got sick of hearing me talk!
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
No, but I have been in a police van with the sirens on.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Ocean is WAY prettier and much more calming.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Always a window, I like pondering the outside world.
65. Do you know how to drive?
Nope.
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Books, Johnny Cash goodies and FOOD!!
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
No, I am too afraid that I'll be strangled by my necklace in my sleep as my mum always said I would be.
68. What is your favorite TV show?
Pffffffff, that's too hard. I love t.v. about half as much as I love food, which is A LOT, so I like almost anything except most reality t.v. and I get really upset watching the news.
69. Can you roll your tongue?
I'm not sure what that is, so for safety's sake I'm going to say no. My tongue is rather more defective than most people's.
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
Ehm, I have no idea. Everyone has their own funniness, it depends on your mood I think.
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yes, either a brown bear or a tiger.
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
It's called 'Ambient Mood' but I would much rather have it be a Johnny Cash song. Alas, I have no technical skills whatsoever.
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
My mum probably has some in her attic, seeing as almost everything ever lives there.
74. What red object is closest to you right now?
My new thermos mug.
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Yes.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed. Because I am anal.
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
I think bees because I am not allergic and I think there's more chance of surviving.
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I don't really eat them.
80. What is your favorite food?
That question is unanswerable. All food is good, except green peppers, peas and apricots.
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
No! Weirdo.
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Haha, seeing as the fastest thing I have ever driven is a bicycle I'm proud to say I haven't.
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
I don't own a car!
84. What is your preferred method of transportation?
I have recently started enjoying walking places.
85. What was the last book you read?
'Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl' by Harriet Jacobs - I am now thinking of doing my Theory essay about its introduction.
86. Do you read the newspaper?
No, but I should.
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
From today it is official: I have a subscription to Empire magazine!
89. Do you watch soap operas?
Yes, whenever I spend an evening at the Catwoman's house.
90. Do you dance in the car?
I dance whenever I am happy about something, so I probably have danced in a car at some point in my life.
91. What radio station did you last listen to?
I am currently listening to Radio 2.
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
A drawing of a little knight by my mother.
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
'Reader, be assured this narrative is no fiction' - the start of the introduction of the aforementioned book by Harriet Jacobs.
94. What is your favorite candle scent?
A candle that is way too expensie for me to even consider buying, I think it is Grapefruit and Pear but I might be wrong - it is gorgeous... I go smell it every time I am at Tesco's, like the freak that I am.
95. What is your favorite board game?
Cluedo! I LOVE that game, and I almost always win.
97. When was the last time you attended church?
Pfff, I have no idea. Probably Christmas Eve of the year my grandad was in hospital, to keep my nan company.
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Mr Rogers and Miss Kessler. They rocked.
99. Where did you go on vacation this past summer?
I didn't really go on holiday. I spent some of the summer at my mother's, some at my grandparents', and some at my father's. I went for a short 3-day holiday with my nan in Groningen, which is the province next to the one she lives in, and I went to the Unspunnen festival in Interlaken, Switzerland, but that was only for a weekend.

Good Things

2007-05-12T15:59:00.000+01:00

I am going to a Eurovision party tonight
I have a new top on which only cost me £2.50
The new top and the necklace the Wench gave me look really good together
I have a new thermos mug which works so well I just burnt my tongue
I have ideas for my essays

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2007-05-10T13:15:00.000+01:00

When I was younger I dressed up a lot. We had a dressing-up-trunk, which was my great-grandfather's trunk from when he was at sea, and it was kept in my room. It was green and had my great-grandfather's name and address on the lid in black. The handles were made of thick rope. The lid-hinges were rusted or broken through so that you had to be careful opening the trunk (I don't know whether this has always been the case or if it happened when I was older). It was filled with old clothes that used to belong to my parents and grandparents. I loved that trunk. I still love it now.
Before I went to school, my brother, who's 3 years older than me, went to a primary school which had occasional parties (in my memory it was every Friday night, but I'm sure that can't be right) where everyone was dressed up. Younger brothers and sisters were also invited, as were parents. We have some pictures from the different dress-up parties, and I think most of what I remember is mixed up with looking at those pictures.
One night my brother was going as some sort of Aladdin-type character, with a turban and a drawn-on moustache and beard, and I was going as a posh lady (I had a shiny dress, a necklace and glasses). I think my brother's make-up made me want to have some as well, and so I asked my mother for a moustache and beard just like his. Thus, The Posh Lady With Moustache And Beard was born.
A few years later, when I was going to the same school and had friends of my own, I went as a Polar Bear. I wore all white and my mother made a cap with ears and painted my face. I was wearing white gloves, and to complete the performance, I clapped in my hands a lot. I don't know why, but somehow I had taken up the idea that that's what Polar Bears do, so it's what I did. In one of the pictures of that night, my hands are just a big blur.
My friend was dressed up as a ghost with a big sheet over her head and I think my brother was dressed up as Jim Button (but I am not sure). Another picture, of a different night, shows one of my brother's friends dressed up as a washing machine. It looks really good, although I think he may have gotten a bit fed up being in a box all evening.

As I grew older, the trunk moved with me to different houses, but after a while it stopped being a dressing-up trunk. I kept old papers and trinkets in there because I am a hoarder but I don't want my room to look too cluttered. I think the trunk is in my mother's attic now, and I kinda wish I had it here. It would be a good place to keep memories in, and I kind of miss it being part of my life. Is it strange to miss a trunk? Part of it, I know, is the fact that I miss being young like that, secure in my parent's love, and still in love with school and learning. Part of it is me wanting my own children one day (although I am still not sure about that), and wanting to give them a great childhood which isn't broken up by a divorce.
I find it hard to think of my childhood without thinking of it as two separate periods. There was the 'happy' time before the divorce, when I had a good time with my older brother and dressed up and went to a school I enjoyed. Then there's the 'unhappy' time, after the divorce, when no one understood me or tried to, and I felt so alone I wanted to stop existing. These two periods are a construct of my past which I know to be false to a certain extent, but it is also partly true. What I want is not to idealise or dismiss any part of my childhood, and to understand how two people who gave me such happy times could also be the ones to break my heart.
It was hard for me to realise I don't trust my parents, nor their love for me, but I am also finally realising that I need to make my own life exactly that: my own life. My parents had control over me for a long time, but I am an adult now, I can take care of myself, and I need to stop looking over my shoulder at them at every step I take. I need my parents, because I will never be a person that can look at her family and say 'I don't need any of them', but I don't need them to make my decisions any more.
I don't have to make myself from my my parents' old clothes: I can create my own me. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm Better

2007-05-09T12:07:00.000+01:00

I was ill for the last few days with some weird stomach thing (incidentally, I hate the word 'tummy') but I am okay now, right in time for classes!
I have a post planned, but it is about a subject one of my friends (who going to a memorial service for one of his friends today) might not be too happy with reading right now, so you guys are gonna have to wait for it.
Lunch!

No More Butt-Inski

2007-05-04T21:22:00.000+01:00

Tonight is the perfect night for watching a bit of t.v. I slept too long and didn't do much all day except housework (blegh) and reading, and this would be topped off most nicely with a bit if Friday-night t.v. Unfortunately, as I don't own a t.v., I will read a bit more of the fourth Harry Potter (must remember to ask my mum to take the fifth and sixth to my grandparents when she comes to visit) and then go to sleep - I am exhausted. I broke my tea pot and my nicest mug while sorting out my curtains, standing on my coffee table, and I am not happy about it!
What I am happy about, however, is that I have been pretty much content this week. After our night out with all the male compliments I received, my mood has been improving and now that I have realised I need to tell my father to stop trying to rule my life, I feel so much freeer, like having realised it has also made it easier for me to actually do it. So soon I will be fully emancipated and hopefully feel even better than I have been feeling in the last week.
Oh, and in other news: I have gone off The Kilt and Chiseled Man. In class this week I felt no sparkle or anything about The Kilt, and to top up the lack of silly crushes in my life, I found out Chiseled Man smokes! Blegh. In any case, I am slowly starting to really believe that I don't need a man to be happy, and that I can be happy on my own, with myself. I would still quite like a man in my life, but I know that right now I am not quite solid enough in my mental health to not fall back into my old ways of adapting completely to what I think my boyfriend wants. However, I also know that some day (soon) I will be strong enough to be myself and stay myself, and I am thoroughly looking forward to it!
Kisses to all of you for sticking by me, you wonderful people!

My Deamon

2007-05-01T12:06:00.000+01:00

It's a mouse! Called Tarquin!

http://www.goldencompassmovie.com/?61515

I love the name, and I guess you can easily hide a mouse, so that's good...

A Bit Of Depp And Brando

2007-04-30T22:03:00.000+01:00

Just finished watching 'Don Juan DeMarco'. Sigh. Love it so much.

Confidence Boost

2007-04-28T11:21:00.000+01:00

Last night I went over to The Catwoman's place to pick up my notebook and a dvd (she's basically my free personal dvd rental service), but instead came with her and her housemate Topshop Girl to a gig and then to the After Dark Club. I got a little bit drunk but not too badly, and I had a great time.
The gig was at a local Arts Centre. It was a tiny room but the bands were pretty good and it was fun to look at their outfits. First on (except I think you are supposed to say it the other way around because the people that headline are officially first on except they play latest in the evening. I don't know, it confuses me, so I'm gonna go in chronological order) was a guy called Ben who did some singing/guitaring which was okay. I couldn't find the other half-pair of my nice flat shoes so I was wearing high heels, and standing in those for two hours is not a lot of fun, but the music took my mind off it most of the time.
Second was a 3-man band with a pretty lead man, an odd synth-man and a man with the most amazing mullet on what I presume was bass guitar. (Do you like how professional I sound?) They did some fun songs, one of them was called 'Snakes in the Mirror' I think, but I can't remember what the band was called.
Last (but most important, so technically first I think. Whateva.) was a 5-man band (I love how it grew by two so consistently) that was really good and had some pretty men (I can't remember what they were called, either, sorry), and obviously loved performing. They had a lot of fans in the audience and although we felt sort of out of place among all the people who all knew each other, we had a great time.
After the gig, we went to the After Dark Club, whose bouncer looked at me (well, my breasts, mainly) and told me I had a lovely body (I'm refraining from writing something sarcastic here). We had a really good time in the club, Topshop Girl (who is gorgeous) having found a guy to snog straightaway, and The Catwoman and me dancing the night away together, together with Ben (who had joined us in the club) and his friends.
When we went back to the dance floor from getting some water at the bar (which was in a different room), a guy stopped me and had a little chat with me. As I wasn't really looking for a guy but just wanted to have some fun with my friends (by the way, this signals quite a big breakthrough in my mental well-being) I told him I had to go find my friends (who had kept walking) and as I walked away he said: 'By the way, you are very pretty!' It made me smile a big silly grin, because even though he was a drunk man who I will never see again and I was very sweaty from dancing, it was nice to hear.
After we walked (me barefoot because my feet were hurting so much) home (part of the way accompanied by Ben, who seemed very interested in The Catwoman, and his friend) I couldn't possibly imagine walking the extra 5 minutes to my own home so I slept (extremely well) on The Catwoman's sofa.
All in all, it makes me feel really good to have had such a nice night out with my friends, and it's even better to know that while I was out I didn't really care about attracting a guy, and to me that feels like a good change in my life - maybe I'll get there one day... :)

Scaredy Cat

2007-04-24T02:14:00.000+01:00

I can't sleep. It's a quarter past 2 and I can't sleep. I have to get up at 8 and I can't sleep. I have counselling, a meeting with my course convenor (hopefully, I haven't actually made an appointment but have been told she'll be in), lunch with The Catwoman and a film in the evening I really want to see, and I can't sleep.

The plan as I have been able to figure it out is this:
- finish the next 5 weeks of classes
- go stay with my grandparents for a couple of weeks
- find a job in or around Reading
- finish my MA while also doing a job, giving me (hopefully) a career start, some money, and a shot at better mental health

I don't think I can ever beat depression completely, but having a nice life should at least give me a fighting chance, right?

It just seems like such a big decision right now and I can't help but worry. I need sleep!

Goodnight.

Today Is The Day I Found Out That When I Cry Lots Of Snot Comes Out Of My Nose

2007-04-21T17:19:00.000+01:00

I talked to both my mother and my father today and feel much better about my life. Still not sure what will happen, but at least having their suppport (expressed in highly different ways) is good and makes me feel better. Now I should go shower and tidy my room.

Depression Diva

2007-04-21T05:31:00.000+01:00

It is half past five in the morning and I am awake. Or rather, I can't fall back asleep. I woke up to go to the toilet and can't fall back asleep because all of a sudden I realised how I have let my depression take over from me. My room is a complete mess, I haven't been talking to people properly or at all, and I just don't care about anything anymore. I don't feel particularly down, or, at least, not more down than I have for the last few months, but I think I have just realised how my depression is making life impossible for me. I want out. Not of life, but of the life I am leading right now. I can't be alone this much, away from everyone I care about, on my own for most of the time.
I have had the same solution offered by both my parents (who, by the way, I haven't talked to in ages, because apparently the way to deal with loneliness is enforce more on myself): to come home and 'get better' without the stress of my MA. First of all, I think that 'getting better' as such should be based on a permanent change in my life (such as a full time job, and being closer to my friends, and preferably my family), a situation in which I know I can be happy on my own, but see enough people on a structured day-to-day basis that I don't go insane. Secondly, living with my parents, no matter how much I love them and enjoy spending time with them, would drive me insane. I know I can be my own boss, I do not want to go back to being under my parents' rule, I don't particularly like feeling like a guest in what is supposed to be my home (with either parent) and really, I need to be able to solve my problems without knowing the situation I feel better in will change soon.
Right now, I think that might be my problem: my insecurity. About the future mainly, but also about myself, what my friends and family think of me, and whether I will ever be able to find that one person to make me truly happy. (In the light of being completely honest, I don't think I am lesbian, but I might as well keep all my options open; who knows, and my perfect match is most likely completely different from what I imagine anyways.)
So, having slightly lost the thread of what I was going to say, I need to make sure I say this: I need help. Big time. I have no idea what to do. Doing this MA isn't making me happy although I love the material, staying with either parents won't make me happy (sorry mama), and I need a long-term solution to my problems. I feel like a failure, and I don't see a way out but to be miserable until September and that's not the answer.
I know I need to make a choice about my life myself, but I have no idea what the choices are. I don't know where to go and what to do and I need your help. Do I stay and finish the MA, which has good material and teaching but few hours and will probably drive me insane? Do I go to either of my parents to 'get better', which would solve the problem of loneliness but would also drive me insane? Do I move to be closer to at least one of my close friends and find a job there? Do I go back to Holland and find a job there, which would mean missing all my friends in the UK and having to find a sort-of comfortable space in society all over again?
All I am asking for is help. I don't want you guys to lead my life for me, but please help me lead mine. I am out of ideas.

Update

2007-04-19T12:35:00.000+01:00

Today I woke up at 12. I don't know what is happening, but I seem to be sleeping for ridiculously long hours lately - it could be part of the depression, could just be weirdness.
Tonight I am going to a free showing of a British film set in and about... Coventry! I am well excited about it, although when I said I would go to any film set in Cov (I have to see how they pull it off!) the guy asked if I was from Cov and when I explained he said 'commiserations'. Pah.
Today I also signed up for a free trial of the Amazon dvd rental scheme because we need to watch Lilo and Stitch for next week and it costs at least £8 pounds to buy, which is just plain SILLY. I might keep it going if I want to seeing as it is only £6 a month for 3 dvds, but I really shouldn't because I have no money whatsoever.
And finally, I was going to post a link that shows you guys I'm in Ravenclaw but it won't work so you'll just have to take my word for it! Wench, we're Hogwarts sisters!

Spring Fever

2007-04-18T16:33:00.000+01:00

I realise I haven't been blogging much lately, which is due to two things, namely my depression and my cold. I went to the doctor today to see if it was hay fever but she doesn't think it is, so hopefully I should be feeling better soon (right now I feel in dire need of tea and nice hot soup, ooo that's just given me a good idea for dinner!).
Nothing much is happening at the moment except for the fact that my depression is taking over a bit, which means I have to go out and do stuff so I don't go crazy. Tomorrow I'm planning to go to the sports centre to sign up for a 'fun' class and into town to drop off some more CVs, as I've had no luck with the job search so far.
In other news, I have been watching The Mighty Boosh the last few days and am now officially addicted. Because of my cold I don't really have a lot of energy, and feel completely justified in watching shows all day long. I have finally been able to borrow the show of the Catwoman, and have been watching almost all of series two today, in a nice repeat of what I did yesterday. I don't know why, but it just doesn't get boring! I especially love the songs, 'We Love The Chosen One' being one of my favourites, as well as the Tundra song in the Tundra episode in the first series. Oh yes, and Noel Fielding is The Pretty.

If Only It Was That Easy

2007-04-16T12:38:00.000+01:00

I am in the Special Collections part of the library, which is nowhere near the main library, but the view is pretty and the people nice, so I quite like working here. I have about 500 words of my 3000 word essay, so I don't feel inadequate at all.... Sigh. Hopefully I will get it done this week.
I was going to write some other things, but I can't remember... I have a sore throat, which is silly but I guess it's my own fault for sitting in the nice sunny, warm garden all day yesterday? Or something like that.
Feeling blah. My dad talked to me on msn and asked if I felt less lonely. No, not really, seeing as I haven't really seen or spoken to anyone since Friday. Sigh.
And all my dreams are really dull now, I bet the anti-deps are slowly making me sane, and it's just no fun anymore to sleep, because when I wake up I can't always remember whether something really happened or I dreamed it, because my dreams are so bloody realistic and boring!!

Birthday Number Four

2007-04-13T22:46:00.000+01:00

I spent a great day in Brum with the Lovely Leni today. We did mainly shopping (music shop for LL, Primark for both of us, shoeshops for both of us, Accesorize for me) and eating (sushi and Cafe Nero), and we talked a lot (of course).
It was just like old times, except for the fact that we had to go home to different cities... Not good, but at least we have come out of the bad patch we were having and I feel like we are as strong as we were before. I miss her, and my other Cov friends, but I guess for now it is down to intense doses of good friends, rather than constant doses.
My anti-deps are making me less unhappy, but still no real happiness, unless I am spending time with people I like (like today). I am really hoping for a job to come up soon, for my sanity and my financial needs...

Vraag Niet Hoe Het Kan, Maar Profiteer Ervan!

2007-04-11T15:43:00.000+01:00

Net's back up!

Hmmmm.....

2007-04-11T11:56:00.000+01:00

So, I just realised something: when one does not have msn and no sound (I am in the library, and for some odd reason all my msn contacts are gone from my account), the internet really isn't all that interesting. I am feeling quite good about going home and reading my magazine (film magazines are so much more fun than I ever imagined!) and possibly getting a pizza for dinner (ignoring the brokeness). Also, I might do some actual work for my very real essay that I should really finish before the holiday is over.
Life is okay without the internet, but I do miss having a landline phone.

Still No Bloody Internet

2007-04-11T11:09:00.000+01:00

Actually, I didn't try at home today but to save myself the frustration, I went straight onto campus to have a go on the computers here. I am not happy, but I have no money for my own internet so I'm afraid this might become a very sporadic type of blog for the next few months.
Today I went to see my doctor about my anti-depressants (I am staying at the same dosage), and cried when I told her I miss my mum. I know it's silly, but I didn't even know how bad I felt until I told her. I had a really good week last week, but it sucked having to say goodbye to my mother, and now with 'my' internet broken I can't even be in proper contact. Sigh.
And I need a job, because I will not be able to eat if I don't get one. I hope either shops I applied to that I actually want to work at get back to me, because I really really really want a job. I might have to go to the DIY shop-branch in Reading to see if they have any vacancies... Sigh.
All in all, I feel Sigh.

Just My Luck

2007-04-04T16:14:00.000+01:00

I got another wireless internet to work, so yay for me!
I can't believe how nice the weather is being. Monday was a lovely day, today is the same, and yesterday it was cold and I got a throat ache from it! How very mean. I did have a lovely day, though, going through Oxford with a friend from my course. We had a lovely lunch, and dinner together with her husband who had come to Oxford for my birthday, too. All in all, they made my birthday a really nice day.
I bought some shoes yesterday for £10, and I had to spray them to protect them from the rain which I foolishly thought I could do next to my window, which means that now the entire house smells of the icky spray (this has been confirmed by my housemate who lives on the other side of the house, a floor up). Oops. But hopefully the smell will be gone by the time I go to sleep tonight.
I am feeling a bit lonely today, which is silly but I cannot help it. I am like a little child lately, I don't want to be alone for a single second... I was going to a pub quiz tonight, but The Catwoman's had to cancel so I will probably watch a dvd or read any of my masses of new books.

So, that was all the bad stuff. Now for the good stuff:
I am making lasagna tonight, yum yum.
Chiseled Man (he is someone who works at the cafe on campus where I spend a lot of time, and we have a little bit of a flirting thing going on) waved at me today and yelled across campus that he would see me after Easter. I walked on with a big grin on my face. I am a teenager at heart, really.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2007-04-04T14:40:00.000+01:00

I know it was yesterday, but my internet isn't working, so I'm a day late! Thanks to all of you for the kind messages, I had a lovely day in Oxford, and tomorrow I'm having dinner with a group of friends, so all is good. I am on campus right now in the library, which always makes me feel uncomfortable, so you guys will have to wait for my net to work again (if it ever will...) to get a proper update!

And Then There Were Three

2007-03-30T10:14:00.000+01:00

My mother is here! We're going to do some dull shopping for food today, and just hang out together.
In other news, I got yet another birthday parcel today. Will the torture never stop? My mother is no help at all; she suggested we should make it harder for me and put all the presents on display, rather than keep them hidden as I've been doing.

The Ultimate Test

2007-03-28T16:47:00.000+01:00

I got post today. All three items were a mixture of good and bad.

Item the first: my credit card bill (dull) on which I owed nothing (yay!)
Item the second: a parcel from my grandparents (mother's side)
Item the third: a parcel from my grandparents (father's side)

I was ready to tear open the parcels and giggle with glee over whatever was hidden inside, when I realised that my grandparents, being organised individuals who still think the post between the UK and mainland Europe takes two weeks, had sent me my birthday presents early. My father's mother even showed remarkable knowledge of my character by having written on the outside of the envelope that the parcel is a birthday present and not to open it before the 3rd of April (except she said it in a way I don't know how to translate into English, it was more like: 'This is a birthday present! Don't even think about it!' ('it' being opening the parcel early)).

So now I have to exert self-control.

I am glad my mother is coming to visit tomorrow and is staying until the day before my birthday, because the exertion of self-control for almost AN ENTIRE WEEK is far, far beyond me.

Birthdays are hard work, I'm telling ya.

Grrrrrrr

2007-03-26T11:39:00.000+01:00

I am sat in the archives trying to write my essay and it won't work. I hate this! Need to write 3500 words before Thursday, and I only have a quote and no original thoughts... Grrrrrr....
Where's my inspiration gone?

Wish Me Luck!

2007-03-25T13:50:00.000+01:00

I just finished my Work Experience application to Penguin, so let's hope for the best! Now I still need to write a letter to the HR Department asking if they have any real jobs or summer placements for me...

Something To Pass The Time

2007-03-24T18:00:00.000Z

After the Beautiful Lady had tidied and cleaned her castle, and taken care of the dirty clothes and dishes, and made herself a nice cup of tea, she realised that with nothing urgent to do and nothing to procrastinate about, she was bored. Should she take up some embroidery? Should she take up an educational text and improve her mind? Should she help the needy? Should she knit clothes for the many babies she would no doubt one day have with her Knight In Shining Armour?
The Beautiful Lady decided against all of these options, and chose instead to go on a quest. She put on her prettiest warm dress, dark-blue leather boots and her cloak-for-adventures (which was dark-blue, also, and had never been used before). She told her Prime Minister she was going on a quest and to mind the country while she was gone, please. He asked, with her permission (he would never have asked without it), 'What sort of quest will this be, Mylady?' The Beautiful Lady said she did not know as yet, but that it was perfect quest weather (dark and grey and cold and windy), and that she had done everything else to abate her boredom, and just listen to me I am your boss after all. The Prime Minister, who had intended to ask about embroidery and the needy and baby clothes, saw The Beautiful Lady meant business and told her to have a nice trip and did she have enough money with her? The Beautiful Lady said she thought she did and left.
Although generally, The Beautiful Lady did not like walking if she did not have a clear goal in mind, her quest spurred her on to previously unknown heights, and she happily started walking. When she came to a crossing she took the road that looked most quest-like, and for every crossing afterwards she did the same. For several weeks, nothing very thrilling happened. Once, The Beautiful Lady was almost robbed of all her money, but she found she could kick harder than she (and her attackers) had anticipated, and got away unhurt.
When The Beautiful Lady was getting a bit fed up with her quest and started thinking about going home, she got to a lake. The lake was in the middle of a forest, a forest which started just outside The Beautiful Lady's castle and seemed, to her never-ending. The Lake In The Middle Of The Never-Ending-Seeming Forest was surrounded by a Lovely Green Meadow and some Not Quite Lovely But Not Bad Either Rocks. Although the forest had been quite nice-looking, and The Beautiful Lady had enjoyed most of her quest so far (except for the almost being robbed part and the time she had to hide in a smelly tree to escape a wild boar's notice), this lake was, as she saw it, the Most Beautiful Thing she had ever seen.
The Beautiful Lady decided her quest was over, and that she would live by the lake from now on. No more silly castle where all she could do was wait for the Knight In Shining Armour for her, oh no! She would live by the lake and fill her days with walks in the forest and live off the things she could find in it.
The Beautiful Lady wrote a letter to her Prime Minister telling him she was going to live by the lake from now on and to only disturb her if there was really no one else who could do what they wanted, and to leave her alone for the rest of it if he wanted to keep his job. The Prime Minister wrote a letter back that with her permission, he would like to keep his job and was there anything she needed? But The Beautiful Lady ignored the letter because she was busy building a hut. When her hut was done, she felt hungry, and she went out to get some food. So she lived quite peacefully for several years, until one day, when she felt like having a good long walk. She packed some food and set out to see where the forest would take her.
After a few weeks, The Beautiful Lady had had enough of sleeping on the mossy ground and decided to go back to her Hut By The Lake. She had enjoyed her time in the forest, where there were only plants and animals, and no Prime Ministers or Knights In Shining Armour to worry about. Cheerfully, The Beautiful Lady started her trek back to her Hut By The Lake.
When she got to The Lake In The Middle Of The Forest, however, The Beautiful Lady saw something that made her very sad. The first time she had seen the lake, it had been a beautiful, undisturbed, and tranquil place. Now, with The Beautiful Lady's hut and her footsteps on the shore, as well as other obvious signs of The Beautiful Lady's presence, the Lake In The Middle Of The Never-Ending-Seeming Forest was Just Another Lake. The Beautiful Lady realised her quest had finally come to an end. She tried as best as she could to erase the marks she had left on the forest, and went back to her castle.
When The Beautiful Lady got back to her castle, it looked so comfortable and familiar that she almost burst out crying. As she got to the front door, her Prime Minister came to greet her. 'Welcome Home, Mylady, we have missed you very much.' The Beautiful Lady thanked him for his kindness and told him to get her a bath ready, and be quick about it because I need to wash several years of forest life out of my hair.
When The Beautiful Lady was all clean and dressed in one of the dresses her Prime Minister had gotten ready for her return, she asked him how everything had gone in her absence, and found that her Prime Minister had done a great job ruling her country. He was so good, in fact, that The Beautiful Lady saw no way but to marry him so that they could continue to reign together.
And they lived happily ever after, without knitting or embroidery, but they did help the needy and read many many books together.

My Name Should Be Procrastinator The Great

2007-03-24T14:20:00.000Z

I seriously need to tidy my room, it is a horrible horrible mess. And I need to clean, there's dust everywhere... And I know how happy I will be when my room is finally all nice and tidy and clean-smelling. And I've finished watching the available 'Heroes' episodes on the internet.
But I should have some food first... I'm starving!!!

The Road Less Traveled

2007-03-23T22:36:00.000Z

I did everything I wanted to do this week except what I had planned for today. I did go and see the doctor, but I wasn't feeling great (I had a headache because I slept funny) so I gave myself a break and relaxed. I think I am finally getting somewhere with this whole self-love and being less hard on myself thing. I am just going to try to do what I can and enjoy life. Today I feel very optimistic about my life, and working on this letter for Penguin (I need to make some small changes, why do they always seem harder than big ones?) makes me feel quite good about myself. I know my writing on here is more diary-style and not always very good, but this letter has made me see I'm actually pretty good at this whole writing malarky! Anyways, I know it's gonna take some time, but I am definitely feeling much better about myself and the world.
Oh, and I am still working on Awesome Lady, she has a lot in store for us...

I Am Penguin, Hear Me Roar

2007-03-20T16:12:00.000Z

I just finished my Cover Letter to Penguin, and sent it off to my father who will hopefully say it is awesome and needs no changes whatsoever. Or you know, be honest and give some good criticism. I would really love to work for Penguin, and although this is just an application for Work Experience, it would be great if I could get my foot in the door...

Just so I can't back out of it, here's my plan for the week:
Today:
write letter to Penguin
go for dinner with Catwoman and friends
giggle with glee over my Girl's Own Annual that arrived today
Wednesday:
get up early, wash hair and eat breakfast
get haircut!
classes
Thursday:
go into town with the American Chick
drop of CVs to everyone who might possibly have a job opening (pref. bookshops)
Friday:
work on essay at Museum of English Rural Life
go see doctor
go to sports centre and see if I can do anything that won't get me laughed at by jocks

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed And Someone Not So Blue

2007-03-18T21:32:00.000Z

I just got an email from Ebay that I won the Girl's Own Annual from 1894 I was the only bidder for. So wahey! for me winning and no one else losing because of it, and wahey! for me finally properly losing my Ebay virginity.
I am impatiently waiting for the second episode of Heroes to load. I thought I'd watch the first episode to see what the fuss was all about, and although it's different from other shows and I didn't think it was something I would get into at all, I now have to know what happens next! Damn cliffhangers and me being a sucker.
One of the Germans came over to borrow a dvd earlier tonight, which I think is funny because I own about 20 and I basically know all of them by heart. I usually borrow dvds from The Catwoman, because her housemates have a ridiculous amount of dvds, most of which I haven't seen before. I am probably the person with the least dvds and cds (and definitely mp3s) of all my friends, so someone coming to me to borrow a film really amuses me.
Today is quite a good day, I am happy I didn't hang my laundry outside to dry because it has been raining quite badly, but it's that nice Spring rain where everything smells really fresh and lovely afterwards. Hooray for Spring!

Look At What You Made Me Do, Wench!!!

2007-03-18T18:05:00.000Z

I am so bored that I am going to reread The Princess Diaries for my Popular Fictions class this Wednesday. I can't believe that it has come to this.

I Am Dull

2007-03-18T17:44:00.000Z

Today I got up around half past nine, and didn't do much all day. I mean, nothing interesting. I did laundry, washing up, made porridge (and ate it), did some reading for my course and some reading for my essay, and watched 2 episodes of Charmed (I have decided to stop because it is just too crap and dull). I also looked at the sunshine outside a lot. There's no sun in my room, but I have very big windows so I can see the sunbeams across the street and pretend I am in the sun... I am like the Little Match Girl, really.
Anyways, I know I haven't been blogging much, but to be honest, not much is happening (except the anti-deps are finally kicking in, I think, and it feels pretty nice), and I am just waiting to be done with my essay (which might take a while as I have no argument or plan as yet) so I can have some fun with my mum and friends on my birthday! I know 23 isn't old when you look at it in the grander scheme of life, but when your younger brother is officially an adult, everything seems to change...
I am bored now, gimme something to do!!

Crying For No Reason

2007-03-13T16:53:00.000Z

Is no fun.

Awesome Lady: The Stranger

2007-03-12T10:31:00.000Z

It had been a long day for Awesome Lady. She had spent the whole day spring cleaning her apartment in between fighting crime, and in the evening, when even the floor behind the toilet was sparkling and most of the criminals were either in hospital or behind bars, Awesome Lady finally settled down with a glass of wine and a good book. Johnny Cash was playing in the background, and Awesome Lady slowly relaxed.
Of course, she should have known better. Unable to even read the second page of her book, Awesome Lady's danger radar made her fly across town, to the newly erected cathedral. When she got there, it was so dark she had to switch to night-vision to be able to see. Night-vision wasn't one of Awesome Lady's strongest powers, but she could make out general shapes, and more importantly, she had a very keen sense of smell, and could usually smell out a bad guy before she saw them. Stood outside the cathedral, Awesome Lady soon figured out that the culprit was on the roof, so she flew up as stealthily as she could.
When she got there she was stunned to see a woman who was both incredibly beautiful and monstrously ugly. 'Shevila...' Awesome Lady gasped, 'what on earth?' But the She-Devil gave her no time to recover from her surprise and leaped on top of Awesome Lady. Awesome Lady fell over, her face digging into the roof tiles. Shevila's claws were digging into Awesome Lady's back, and the She-Devil's teeth started shredding the flesh on our superhero's arms. Awesome Lady was too stunned to move until she felt the Demoness's teeth in her arms, and then she used all her strength to jump up and throw off the Foul Fiendess. She jumped on her feet, ignoring the pain in her back and arms, and kicked the Princess of Darkness, who almost fell over but managed to balance herself with her two tails. Before Shevila could gain her composure, Awesome Lady was on top of her, kicking and punching as fast and hard as she could, but with every blow Shevila seemed to gain strength. She was laughing manically, relishing the violence raining down on her hybrid body, and when Awesome Lady had exhausted herself, Shevila stood up, took Awesome Lady's throat in her left claw and started squeezing.
Realising the Savage could not be beaten by using violence and that she would die if she did not come up with something soon, Awesome Lady feverishly tried to remember her father's hurried lessons after her fight with the Prison Guard had almost killed both of them. Almost entirely invincible and gaining strength from violence, Shevila was assumed to be a legend by most superheroes and The Gentleman of Justice, who preferred concrete nemeses to the more spiritual ones, hadn't spent a lot of time teaching his daughter about the Many-Named Serpentess. Awesome Lady's brain, troubled by the lack of oxygen that was fast becoming a serious problem, could not see a way out. Knowing when she was beaten had never been one of Awesome Lady's strong points, but she had to admit that this time, she could see no way out. She gave into the darkness and thought of her parents as she slowly slid into oblivion...

As she lost control of her powers, Awesome Lady's body slowly shut down, changing into the less demanding form of the Fluffinator. Pink, fluffy and cute, the Fluffinator burned into the skin and eyes of Shevila, who let go of her victim's throat and slunk off into the night.
The Fluffinator collapsed on the roof, unable to do anything but slowly gather strength. As she gradually changed back into Awesome Lady, she started feeling her back and arms, and wondered how she would get home. Her regeneration took several hours, and when Awesome Lady was ready to think about getting up the sun was starting to rise. She looked up to see the sunrise, and noticed a figure sitting a few meters away. Immediately alarmed, Awesome Lady pushed herself to an upright position and got ready to fight. Then the figure moved out of the shadows and into the colourful light of the starting day.
Awesome Lady had never been at a loss for words, but right now she couldn't make a sound. She also could not take her eyes of the man that was standing on front of her. He had a golden skin and a mane of black hair, interspersed with blond streaks. What would have looked ridiculous on any other man looked completely natural on him. The man looked like he should have been in an advertisement for the perfect superhero (there was no doubt he was a superhero), with his muscular body and bewitching green eyes. But the most remarkable thing about him was his not his looks. It was the sense of raw strength, nobility and kindness expressed in his face that made this stranger so captivating to Awesome Lady.
Then he spoke, and his accent suited his appearance so perfectly that it was too much for Awesome Lady, and she almost fell down again. 'That was quite the fight you had, earlier.' Although Awesome Lady wanted the stranger to admire and like her as much as she already admired him, she couldn't help herself getting angry. 'You were watching?!? You saw how she attacked me and you didn't do anything? What the hell were you thinking?? I could have died!'
The stranger looked at her and laughed. 'You look cute when you're angry.'
Awesome Lady looked at him and he winked. She turned around, frustrated, and flew home, his laughing ringing in her ears.

Pussycat, Pussycat, I Love you....

2007-03-11T18:46:00.000Z

I would really like a cat and I think the cats agree that this is a good idea. I have already had a cat sneak into my room through the open window while I was at my computer, and twice cats have come into the kitchen and let themselves be petted by me. Then, as I came back from the kitchen tonight, a cat hastily fled back outside through my window. He must not know yet that I am favourable to feline inhabitation of my room... He will, I am sure, be informed by the other cats shortly and then he will no longer fear me, but visit me regularly when I am bored or doing work I do not want to be doing. Because cats can sense that, you know.

I Would Love To Write An Interesting Post, But Unfortunately I Am Boring

2007-03-11T17:55:00.000Z

Well, the title sums it up, really.
Nothing much is going on, I am feeling okay and happy with what's going on in my life. I am finally beginning to understand the concept of unconditional love, and I think this might make my life slightly easier... I don't actually have to do anything to make my parents (and friends and family) love me, because they already do. It is a concept that I need to get used to, but after talking to my dad I think I might finally understand. In any case, thank you everyone for your support, and I have a feeling I will pull through! Big kiss and hug to all of you for your love and awesomeness. Will try to think of something fun to blog about soon.

My Daddy Loves Me

2007-03-06T22:51:00.000Z

My father phoned me tonight and we actually talked about important stuff. I sent him a letter telling him about how I am taking anti-depressants now, and he phoned me to see how I was doing. I told him about all the bad stuff I've been feeling lately and he was extremely supportive. I don't think I have ever missed him more than I do right now. I cried so much during our talk, but he never once dismissed my thoughts or made me feel stupid and/or silly. I talked, he listened, and he even said he loves me. I mean, I know he does, but hearing him say it meant so much to me. He told me he loved me and that I am his dearest, and you know what? Hearing him say that made me feel really happy and really sad at the same time. I miss him, and I realise now that I have been unfair to him in the past. My father is a nice guy and he loves me and he wants the best for me, and he knows me better than I give him credit for.
Now I need to go get some sleep so I can survive tomorrow.

I Have Nothing To Say, Really

2007-03-06T09:36:00.000Z

There are things happening in my life, but right now I don't seem to have the energy to write about them. My boots have died so I have no good shoes to wear, I bit my nails so now all my fingers hurt, especially when I type, and last night I had quite a fun night out with some of my coursemates.
In other news, the Johnny Cash site has new t-shirts and I want almost ALL of them. I need to find myself some moneys...

Grrrrrrrr

2007-03-02T18:08:00.000Z

The Stoner broke a glass of mine today. It is an orange/yellow glass that I am especially fond of, which I got for a birthday from a good friend (then), and I am pissed off with about her breaking it, even if it was an accident. Grrr to her. Gonna read some Cloud Atlas to cheer myself up (getting to the end of the book though, so I'm trying to read it slowly and quickly at the same time...)

Count Me In!!

2007-03-02T08:30:00.000Z

As the Wench says, everyone does like a 'How much have I read' competition, so here goes:

Bold for ones I've read
Underline for ones I've read part of
Italic for ones I want to read

Top 100 Overall

1. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings , JRR Tolkien - I just cannot get past Tom Bombadil... Give me time, I will manage
3. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter Series, JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockinbird, Harper Lee
6. Bible
7. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four, George Orwell (8th equal)
9. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman (8th equal)
10. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
11. Little Women, Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22, Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare, William Shakespeare
15. Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
19. The Time Travellers Wife, Audrey Niffenneger
20. Middlemarch, George Eliot
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald F Scott
23. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace, L.N Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams - Blegh, dull.
26. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll - Blegh.
30. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame - I had to for my course, though. Not too exciting.
31. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia, C.S Lewis
34. Emma, Jane Austen
35. Persuasion, Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, C.S.Lewis - I agree with the Wench, how is this separate from the Chronicles?
37. The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh, A A Milne
41. Animal Farm, George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown - Sigh.
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney, John Irving
45. The Woman in White, Wilkie Collins - Okay, I listened to the audio book, but it is the same only read out so I'm counting it!
46. Anne of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
47. Far from the Maddening Crowd, Thomas Hardy - This is next on my list as my grandad gave it to me over the Christmas holidays.
48. The Handmaid’s Tale, Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies, William Golding
50. Atonement, Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi, Yann Martel - I have finished reading this last week, it is awesome. Go read it!
52. Dune, Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikrem Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon
60. Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Still not sure whether I like it or not.
61. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
62. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History, Donna Tartt - Her other book is utter crap, this is quite good from what I can remember.
64. The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
66. On the Road, Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure, Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones’s Diary, Helen Fielding
69. Midnight’s Children, Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick, Herman Melville - I like Melville!
71. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
72. Dracula, Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes from a Small Island, Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses, James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons, Arthur Ransome - Sigh again, but in a different way.
78. Germinal, Emil Zola - This is an amazing book, my all-time favourite.
79. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession, A S Byatt - Really couldn't get through this.
81. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas, David Mitchell - I am actually in the middle of reading this, it's really good so far.
83. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte’s Web, E.B. White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven, Mitch Alborn - Have heard this is shit.
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection, Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
94. Watership Down, Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers, Alexander Dumas
98. Hamlet, William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl - Is this seen as his best book? Weird.
100.Les Miserables, Victor Hugo

I Am Officially Ace

2007-02-27T10:20:00.000Z

And you could be, too!! All you have to do is make The Wench do some work for a change! Or not, it's totally up to you, I just thought I would get in her good books by providing the link to the 2 or 3 people who read this.

Chow Yun Fat Just Died

2007-02-26T21:11:00.000Z

Or, for the boring version of life, I just watched 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Completely forgotten how much I love that film... But I could never even for a moment forget how much I love Chow Yun Fat... He is my man. Foreva.

(Yes, I know I'm a slut. Leave me alone!)

There Was A Post Here But I Deleted It

2007-02-26T09:06:00.000Z

I feel really really shit and I have decided to go for the anti-depressants because I cannot take this anymore. I only have 4 counselling sessions left, which I have to save for these types of situations, so I am booking one for soon, but I am never going to solve my problems like this. I don't know what the anti-deps will do, but it is worth a try and to be honest, the post I deleted scared even me.
Thank you everyone for your support, and Wench, I am sorry.

2007-02-25T14:09:00.000Z

While I was writing the previous post Mr. G. started talking to me on msn. I have been thinking lately that talking to him is probably not doing me much good, but that doesn't mean I want to stop talking to him. Basically, what I want is for him to know exactly what I am feeling right now and to be perfect and make me feel better, when I know that all he can do right now is make me feel worse because he doesn't want to be my boyfriend.
I told him I didn't know whether it was a good idea for me to be talking to him, and he then said he respected that and that he would leave me alone. Then he said 'bye' and left. I cried. I know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I don't want to accept it. I want him to be secretly planning how to get back together with me, and to be planning some ridiculously romantic getting-back-together plan of action. But he doesn't even mind whether he talks to me or not. It hurts it hurts it hurts. And it hurts even more when I think about how little I like myself and why I feel someone else needs to fill that gap for me.
I wish I could go home and go to the beach. Or even that I could afford to take the train to the nearest beach here. I want to go see my grandmother and let her take care of me for a little while, go to the sea with her and make caramel puddings. Just let someone take care of me and tell me everything is ok. But as it stands now, I don't even have enough money to go home for my birthday, and I'm not sure I have the energy, either. Christmas was so hectic I promised myself not to go through that again, and if I did go home (and there, the Switzerland/Holland debate kicks in), I would just feel guilty if I didn't see my entire family and my friends.
I think I will just try to distract myself with some work. Too bad I've read all the books for this week and I just have an article for Theory left to do.

Disclaimer: I know all of you care about me and are doing your best to make me feel better, but I think right now I am just not able to take it in. Don't stop caring about me, please, but have some patience with me. I don't know how or when I will sort it out, but I am hoping I will manage it at some point.

If I Were Rich

2007-02-25T13:54:00.000Z

I would be able to finish my MA without having to ask my parents for more money
I would be able to buy my own place which NO ONE ELSE would be allowed to live or make mess or make noise
I would hire a cook to make me lovely food every day
I would pay for my family and friends to come visit me lots
I would be able to go to all the plays, musicals and concerts I want to see
I would get a cat
I would be able to afford a t.v. and the licence fee
I would get driving lessons and a pootiful car to take them in
I would get a personal trainer and get fit
I would buy all the clothes I want
I would actually spend money in Accesorize on bags (pause to wipe drool off laptop)
I would be able to pay for therapy so I didn't have to limit my visits to 6 times
I would buy all the shoes I want

I would still be me (trying to see this as a positive point)
I would still feel shit about Mr. G.
I would still miss being around my family and knowing what their life is like
I would still think I'm never going to meet that perfect guy
I would only be marginally happier (because no money problems would be a nice change for once)

The Greatest Thing I'll Never Learn...

2007-02-24T00:21:00.000Z

Watching Moulin Rouge tonight was not the best way to end a melancholy day. Right now, I feel like nothing good is coming my way. Ever again. Sleep sounds like a good idea...

2007-02-21T23:49:00.000Z

So, there's this tutor at my university I kind of have a crush on. He teaches the 19th-century module, he's probably in his late thirties, and he's Scottish. For this last reason he will be called The Kilt (he wears trousers in real life, don't worry).
The Kilt is not remarkably handsome, clever (actually, he is very clever because he teaches the course of no comprehension, so forget I said that) or funny, but still, for some strange reason I quite fancy him. One of my friends, Catwoman, pointed out to me that I have a crush on him a few weeks ago and ever since Mr G and I broke up I have decided to just let the crush take over. I joke and sort of flirt with him and my goal is to make him blush in class (without embarrassing myself), which I haven't managed as yet.
Today I was going for a big lunch before the start of classes, on my own, and as I was waiting to be served, The Kilt came up to me to say hi and order his own food. As he was on his own and I had to ask him a question about my essay, I invited him to have lunch with me. We chatted (and ate, of course) for about half an hour, talking about my essay (a little), my old uni (quite a lot) and a tutor from that uni who's a friend of The Kilt's. He then left to do some marking, and I left to get some tea before class started.
When Catwoman found out, she could hardly contain herself. After Theory, which is the last class of the evening and ends at 8, we went to a pub quiz together, and during the walk there I was interrogated about the date, as Catwoman and another woman from the course soon called it. When we got to the pub, I was engaged to be married to The Kilt, and on the way home from the pub, I was pregnant with his babies.
I just hope he'll wear a kilt at the wedding, and that he's prepared to learn Dutch!

Big Girls, You Are Good At Pool

2007-02-18T18:21:00.000Z

I have officially gone deaf. It took me almost all of the song to realise that in fact, Mika was not singing 'Big girls, you are good at pool' but 'Big girls, you are beautiful'.
Silly me.

The Germans Are Coming!!

2007-02-17T17:41:00.000Z

I met one of my new housemates today, he's from Berlin and doing some technical-sounding MA. He and his 'friend' (there was a pause before he uttered the word, and he has the double room, so I have my suspicions) have borrowed my map to go shopping, and they haven't come back yet so I hope they didn't get lost...
Anyways, he seemed nice, and I'm hoping they don't like loud music, as they have moved into the room above mine... (if they are a couple; if not, only one of them has)
In other news, I am talking to Mr G again. Sort of. Think what you will.

What Is It With Open Endings?

2007-02-13T17:56:00.000Z

I have just finished 'The Glass Books Of The Dream Eaters' by G. W. Dahlquist (and my essay, by the way, yay for me!), which is a really good book (although hard to read in bed because it is about 750 pages and a hardback book with a stuck-on dust cover) filled with intrigue and exciting stuff happening (as well as a lot of sex which I did not expect). It is also immensely hyped up, with the book designed to look like the Glass Books of the title, and lots of 'mysteriousness' surrounding the author, but that is not as annoying as the fact that for some stupid reason, the author thought it a good idea to give the book an open ending.
I mean, seriously, if you can think of all the amazing and fantastical things that happen throughout the book, you can come up with a simultaneously satisfying and original ending! Is it really too much to ask to know what happens to our heroes after they have successfully done away with the baddies (it is a 19th-century style novel, so you know they baddies are gonna get it)? I don't want them to successfully end their mission only to then be left in a lurch! And it is not like the author would have any problems coming up with something good; the whole book was pretty full of surprises and clever distractions, so a good (meaning, Merel-satisfying) ending could also have been constructed.
I am highly pissed off about this, I really am. I mean, it is not as bad as the end of Sue Townsend's 'The Queen And I' (for which quite frankly, she should be shot), but still...
Maybe I am just too simple-minded to appreciate the satisfaction of not really knowing for sure, but I really would have preferred it all to be neatly tied up. And I was so proud of Dahlquist for not giving the book one of those stupid 'this is where the villain explains his entire evil plot to the goodies while giving them enough time to regain their strength and kill them before the evil plan is set in work' scenes...
Anyways, I would write a really intelligent and in-depth post about this (because I could, you know! Don't think I couldn't!!), but I have spent all my intelligence on my essay, which is probably the way it should be. Still, BLEGH! to mister Dahlquist for not giving me a simple (or complicated, really, I am easy that way) and satisfactory conclusion for Celeste, Cardinal Chang and Dr Svenson (I don't really care about Eloise, she can drown for all I care).
And he'd better not done it so he could make a sequel, because that would really tick me off!!

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

2007-02-13T15:40:00.000Z

I just have my conclusion left to do for my essay, and let's all hope I can manage it over 300 words to reach the bottom requirement of 3000 words for the whole essay... I don't seem to be able to write long essays anymore, as this course makes me doubt everything I say... And also I am really tired... And also I am abviously still feeling shit... BLEGH!!! (Word of they day yesterday, but I'm thinking of making it the word of the month)

I Miss Him

2007-02-12T17:46:00.000Z

I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him
So why don't I just talk to him, since he's on msn? I think I will turn off my computer and read a book.
I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him
But not as much as I miss my grandmother. I think. Maybe I'm just used to missing her. I might get used to missing him.
I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him I miss him
Ok, I will go and read a book to take my mind off it.

Update

2007-02-12T14:09:00.000Z

The essay is halfway done, and although Mr G is online, I have not spoken to him!
Will now go celebrate by going outside for a bit to buy tea and something nice for lunch.

I Am Not A Big Fan Of Boys Right Now

2007-02-12T12:12:00.000Z

How extremely convenient that exactly when I am over the worst of my flu and the essay deadline is two days away, I start crying over Mr G randomly. I miss being his friend and girlfriend, and I so much want to talk to him... But I am restraining myself, and forcing back the tears so I can write this damned essay, then fall apart.
Stay tuned for more lovely tales from my life.

I Could Write A Really Long Post About Tonight, But I Don't Feel Up To It

2007-02-07T23:41:00.002Z

I have the flu and Mr G broke up with me. I feel shit.

Today

2007-02-03T19:11:00.000Z

Today is a good day, a day where I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me, a day where I can truly say I am happy with who I am and what is going on in my life. I'm sure I will feel differently at some point in the near future, but it's days like this that both delight and confuse me. What makes one day so very easy to get through and another impossible to manage? One day I think about everything that is going on in my head and my life and (over)analyse it, and another I just enjoy life.
Today is a day when I feel like I don't have any type of depression, and counselling is not necessary. It is also a day I know will end, but I don't want it to. And it is a day I would like to repeat. I am going to do my best to make tomorrow another day like today, and the day after and so on. So, maybe, if I can keep this feeling going, no days will be bad days.
Well, at least, maybe I can cope better with the bad days by remembering I have good ones too, and by being prepared to take the good with the bad.

It Is Time To Come Clean

2007-01-30T12:56:00.000Z

When I was a teenager living in Amsterdam, I was very depressed. I know all teenagers are generally depressed and I was probably not as special or lonely as I thought, but it is important to what I am about to tell you, so bear with me. Anyways, I was very depressed and thought it would be better if I just didn't exist at all. I wasn't quite brave (or unhappy, maybe) enough to commit suicide, but I spent a lot of time thinking up ways to die without having to do it myself. When I moved to Germany, I became a little bit happier, or rather, I got better at hiding my unhappiness from myself.
After living in England for a few years, I finally admitted to myself how unhappy I really was and I went into counselling, which helped a lot. I finished counselling last summer, and I am starting it again on Friday. Now, I want everyone to know that I am nowhere near as unhappy as I was before the last time I had counselling, and I am better now at calming myself down and looking at things rationally. I do, however, have some issues I still need to sort out and the most important one is how little I like myself.
I feel lonely and abandoned, and wish I could do more about these feelings myself, but I have tried and failed (hurting someone I love in the process), and I am fed up. I am fed up with feeling like I am a freak who deserves no love or happiness, and I am fed up with pretending to be happy and strong. I am also fed up with lying to my family and friends, and I am most certainly fed up with being me.
So there you have it. I am unhappy but I am taking action. I do not want to bug any of you with my problems, which is why I haven't been talking about them, and I am sorry if that upsets any of you. I was going to sort this out on my own but I can't, so I am sorting it out together with my GP and a counsellor I have yet to meet.
Please think of me Friday, and please don't be angry with me for keeping this from you; it was hard enough to admit it to myself.
I love you all, and I will get through this.

What A Difference Four Fajitas, The American Chick And Gene Wilder Can Make

2007-01-27T21:47:00.000Z

I feel much better! Thank you Wench for the awesome things you said and did to make me feel better, they definitely helped, too! Human contact can't be beat though, and I was going a bit insane on my own! Going to sleep happy now... (Well not quite right now because it is quite early)